Breaking: Facebook Placed on Pressors to Fix Plummeting Stocks
MENLO PARK, CA – With its stock value plummeting precipitously in the past 48 hours, Facebook has been started on pressors with lactated ringers running wide open.
“The drop is significant and Facebook is showing signs of end-organ failure,” commented critical care attending Dr. Will Tucker. Labs earlier this morning revealed a creatinine of 5.45, AST 465, ALT 678, lactate 4.5, and troponin 0.36. An earnings anion gap notes a fiscal acidosis of $120 billion. “Facebook is still alive but hardly kicking and the threat of respiratory failure is real.”
In order to cover for sepsis, Facebook has been started on broad-spectrum antibiotics. However, Tucker suspects Facebook’s hemodynamic stability will not be due to infection but post-Cambridge Analytica shock.
Facebook has been so ill it has been unable to “like” any posts in the past 24 hours.
In related news, the ICU team will go against Facebook’s wishes regarding internet privacy and support HIPAA by not sharing any of the social media giant’s personal information.