SCHAUMBURG, IL – Throwing away the old blueprint of simply accepting the blame, Anesthesia has opened up a brand new playbook and is going all out on the offensive, blaming every else in medicine.
“F**K THIS SH*T AND F**K ALL Y’ALL!!!” the American Society of Anesthesiologists (ASA) boldly announced in a statement targeted at all health care professionals not in their field of Anesthesia. “Hear us loud and clear: Anesthesia formally blames every subspecialty in medicine. SUCK IT.”
“Woah, big words from a field who takes pride in hiding behind drapes,” said unimpressed orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley, who admits he does admire anyone who can use big words. “Anesthesia is a field built on blame, it’s their foundation, their skeleton. Without blame, they have nothing. This’ll blow over, don’t worry.”
The mid-section of the ASA statement is an impressively long litany of blame assigned to others:
Anesthesia blames Allergy & Immunology. Anesthesia blames Dermatology. Anesthesia blames Radiology. Anesthesia blames Emergency Medicine. Anesthesia blames Internal Medicine. Anesthesia blames every Internal Medicine subspecialty. Anesthesia blames Family Medicine. Anesthesia blames General Surgery, Orthopedic Surgery, Trauma Surgery, Plastic Surgery, and Urology. Anesthesia blames Neurology and Neurosurgery. Anesthesia blames Pediatrics. Anesthesia blames OB/GYN. Anesthesia blames Ophthalmology and “all their Hs.” Anesthesia blames EMTs and ENTs. Anesthesia blames RNs, NPs, and PAs. Anesthesia blames PT, OT, the cafeteria, the volunteers, palliative care, even pastoral care. Anesthesia blames the sun, the moon, the stars, and the heavens. Anesthesia blames the New England Journal and the New England Patriots. Anesthesia blames oxygen. Anesthesia blames airways.
The list goes on and on for 34 pages and finally ends with the statement:
Finally, to those whom we have not mentioned, WE BLAME YOU F**KERS TOO.
Like their orthopedic colleagues, other specialties are not taking Anesthesia’s outbursts too seriously. “It’s just Anesthesia, don’t be scared,” said one health care professional. “They’re probably just bitter from sudoku withdrawal or something like that.”