WASHINGTON, D.C. – A redacted version of Robert S. Mueller III’s highly-anticipated history & physical examination (H&P) admission document was released earlier today. Unfortunately, all the juicy bits are blotted out, leaving only uninteresting details like a noncontributory family history and normal chloride level.
“As the patient’s admission is ongoing, I had no choice but to redact sensitive information and enforce HIPAA,” explained Chief Resident William Barr, who spent the past several weeks going through the 400-page Mueller H&P. “What I can tell you is the patient denies any family history. What I can also say, based on the lengthy thoroughness of Mueller’s documentation, is that Mueller is clearly pursuing a future in Infectious Diseases.”
The chief complaint, history of present illness, past medical & surgical history, medications, allergy list, social history, and review of systems were redacted. Vital signs were redacted, with the exception of the respiratory rate (16). Physical exam was completely redacted. Labs were almost completely redacted, with the exception of a chloride level (normal) and a troponin (elevated). Other diagnostic work-up as well as the assessment and plan were fully redacted.
Numerous groups are up in arms. For example, nephrologists demand a creatinine, pulmonologists demand a chest X-ray, infectious diseases specialists demand an LP opening pressure, neurosurgeons demand neuroimaging from the outside hospital, nurses demand DVT prophylaxis, pharmacists demand a med list, and palliative care team members demand a code status.
In related news, rumors are Speaker of the Hospital Nancy Pelosi is indignant after realizing a bicarb level has been omitted from the report.