KNOXVILLE, TN – In the hopes of luring more patients, Knoxville General Hospital has setup an outdoor blood bank stand boasting that their frozen plasma is not only fresh but fresh-squeezed too. And it’s selling it for only 50 cents a glass.

“The summer’s almost here and there’s nothing better to quench your thirst or stop that bleed than with fresh-squeezed frozen plasma or, as I call it, FSFP,” explained pathologist Dr. David Hammock, who is drinking a large glass of the stuff.

We’re all familiar with fresh frozen plasma or FFP. FFP is the liquid portion of blood, which is collected and frozen at -18 to -30 degrees Celsius within 8 hours. The difference with FSFP is that it’s collected and literally squeezed fresh as it comes out of a human body.

“More so than regular FFP, fresh-squeezed frozen plasma is chock full of albumin, fibrinogen, protein C, protein S, and antithrombin,” continued Hammock, who has just downed his fourth glass of FSFP. “This beats fresh-squeezed lemonade and fresh-squeezed orange juice any day.”

In related news, nearby little children with their lemonade stands have packed up and moved, as they have been frightened away by the “blood-drinking Dracula.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.