rich historian

Breaking: Patient is a Rich Historian, Perhaps the Best Historian Ever

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PORTLAND, OR – In what is certainly a breath of fresh air, an ER physician was pleasantly surprised to discover that her patient wasn’t a poor historian; in fact, she was a very rich historian, full of incredible details. In fact, she might be the best historian in the history of medicine.

“She gave the best history I have ever heard in my entire professional career,” said Dr. Kristine Matsson, an associate professor of emergency medicine at Portlandia Health. “I started with an open-ended question like I always do. And I was blown away.”

According to Matsson, her patient replied by politely asking her ER physician if she had a few minutes to sit down. Matsson did. The patient then began her tale, starting with, “Well, once upon a time…”

Matsson had tears in her eyes. “She’s such a gifted storyteller, the way she makes you care about all the characters, all the places, all the medications,” she told Gomerblog, obviously moved by this rarest-of-rare rich historian. “For the first time, I actually cried during the review of systems. It was so moving.”

For Mattson, there was no need to ask any other questions: the patient answered every question she could have ever wanted to ask. As if that wasn’t enough, the patient handed Mattson a binder full of other documents: birth certificate, education-related diplomas, medication lists, discharge summaries from past hospitalizations, immunization records, advanced directives, and contact information for family members and her medical power of attorney.

Mattson had a secret to share with Gomerblog. “I have no grounds to admit this patient, but I’m going to try anyway just so we can hear more of her story. She’s the best historian ever!”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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