PM&R doctor

Nephrologist Sets Patients’ Dry Weight Goal at 0 Kg

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HOUSTON, TX – Adding to his reputation of aggressively managing volume status, nephrologist Albert Kalosis has announced that his new goal dry weight for his end-stage renal disease (ESRD) patients is zero kilograms.

“You may disagree with me, but I believe everyone one of us – you, me, everyone – is volume overloaded,” lectured Kalosis, who admits that he himself is 75 kg above his dry weight. “There is always fluid to remove, even when there isn’t, and I think the only way my patients will start to really feel great is by pushing the envelope.”

As much as he’d like to make it happen, Kalosis realizes that all of this fluid cannot be removed safely in one lengthy dialysis session. “However, if we can remove at least 1 liter of fluid every day until we reach our target, that’s what I’d like to shoot for,” he added. “Dialyze and diuresis until nonexistent.”

We asked Kalosis what he thought about babies. Babies are tiny but above his newly-derived goal dry weight. Should every baby be dialyzed once the umbilical cord is cut?

“Absolutely,” Kalosis answered without hesitation. “If we can even start dialysis before then, that would be optimal.”

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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