WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing the complex medical comorbidity of our country’s citizens, Surgeon General Jerome Adams has turfed the public health to Hospitalist General Alice Stevens.

“There is no surgical intervention indicated at this time, and certainly there is no evidence of an acute abdomen on my exam today,” said Adams in reference to our nation’s health. He has been primary since September 5, 2017. “I think it would be better served on Hospital Medicine. I’ll still follow as a consult.”

Not surprised by the request, Stevens has accepted the transfer of care. That being said, she doesn’t look forward to being the primary for 320 million Americans. That’s a lot of notes. And pages about constipation.

In related news, Stevens has learned from the Physical Therapist General Dylan Strait that he recommends subacute rehabilitation for the entire nation.

“Geez,” replied Stevens. “That’s a whole lot of placement.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.