BOSTON, MA – Clinicians, be alert: A new study in the New England Journal of Coronavirus has found that a physical exam finding known as the “brilliant butthole sign” is 100% diagnostic of toilet paper (TP) hoarding.
The study, which was sponsored in part by the toilet paper industry, went through expedited review in the context of the American public’s run on toilet paper due to pandemic COVID-19.
“On routing physical examination, the finding of a glistening, shining, and brilliant butthole, one so clean and bright that you need sunglasses to fully inspect it is pathognomonic for TP hoarding syndrome or TPHS,” said Brigham & Men’s hospitalist Steven Roche, who was temporarily blinded by one particular patient admitted to having over 10,000 rolls of toilet paper stockpiled in his basement. “It is important we identify these patients and keep record. These are the ones we’ll be relying on come the end of days.”
Brilliant butthole is also known as aseptic anus, sparking sphincter, and glistening gluteus.
According to a spokesperson for Scott Paper Company, the toilet paper industry only sees this demand for TP in July and August when new interns are soiling themselves.
This will be a lesson learned by the makers of our favorite TP brands: Next time a respiratory virus reaches pandemic proportions, our toilet paper makers will be ready.
