WASHINGTON, D.C. – Just two weeks after he wisely tweeted “Serious people- STOP BUYING MASKS!” in an effort to prevent a shortage of masks for health care professionals on the front line of the COVID-19 pandemic, U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams has been caught hoarding all of the nation’s supply of N95 and surgical masks.

“MINE, MINE, ALL MINE!!!!!” Adams cackled, as he tosses N95 masks and face shields haphazardly around his office. “ALL THESE MASKS AND JUST FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!” He is buried waste deep in millions of masks, so much so he no longer wears pants to work.

The New York Times recently reported on the shortage of N95s being seen in numerous health care systems across the country. Turns out the Surgeon General has ’em all! Come on, what gives?!

What was thought to be sage advice to the American public was a ruse so he could stockpile all those masks. But why? Why, Jerome, why?! All our healthcare professionals need them!! Can you at least give us a few, even like five N95s?!

“Those Anesthesia folk are weird, they like playing with drapes, building drape forts, and putting on puppet shows,” said Gomerblog correspondent and orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley, who deals with anesthesiologists more often than he’d like. “Maybe our Surgeon General likes to collect masks, maybe that’s just his thing.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.