NEW YORK, NY—Calling herself the unluckiest woman ever, 110-year-old Dottie Livingston is one of the few people who has been alive for both the Spanish influenza and Coronavirus pandemics.
“I just can’t catch a break,” said the hapless supercentenarian, who lives independently in a Park Avenue penthouse; has zero chronic health problems; has scores of children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren; and frequently drives her prized Lamborghini to go visit them all over the country. “I’m so cursed. All these people on TV are freaking out about one little pandemic. Try surviving two of them!”
She went on to describe the challenges she faced during the 1918 pandemic as a naive 8-year-old little girl. “Back then, medicine wasn’t very advanced. The only thing we could do to combat the Spanish flu was to isolate ourselves at home for months at a time—can you imagine? We were so primitive a hundred years ago.”
Forced to stay home in her parents’ suburban 50-room mansion, the ill-fated woman suffered. “You get tired pretty fast of swimming in the same 3 pools, eating the same gourmet food prepared by your servants, and playing the same grand piano day after day after day. It was torture!”
Ms. Livingston noted that she has a few friends aged 103, who also lived through both pandemics, but she quickly pointed out that they are not nearly as unlucky as her. “Oh, those young kids didn’t have it nearly as bad as me. They all grew up in poor, rural towns that were barely affected by the flu. Plus, they don’t remember the Spanish flu ‘cause they were just babies, and they won’t remember this new pandemic either ‘cause they all have dementia!
“But poor me, I was old enough in 1918 to understand what was going on, and just my luck, I’m still sharp as a tack now. Damn, I’m so cursed! I hope no one has to live as miserable a life as I have.”
Ms. Livingston and her spry 80-year-old boyfriend are spending the Covid-19 pandemic holed up in her Manhattan penthouse playing online poker tournaments. “I won 10 million dollars last night…but woe is me, it’s not like I can go anywhere to spend it—everything’s closed!”
Keep hanging in there, Ms. Livingston; your luck is sure to turn around soon.
