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Pain Detector Gives Actual Pain Score

Lord Lockwell
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105
Pain Detector Gives Actual Pain Score

JERSEY CITY, NJ – A great new invention coined PAIN, short for Pain Acquiring Instrument Neat-O, is starting to be utilized in ERs across the east coast after a recent FDA approval.  Typically when a patient reports pain, the healthcare provider asks, “What is your pain score from 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst pain you could possibly be in?”  Patients many times respond 10, even though a score of 10 is equivalent to being lit on fire or stabbed with knives repeatedly in the thigh.

paingun
How am I going to fake this device out?

This frustration among medical staff hearing “10” when patients are texting on their phone, led one ER nurse to take his electrical engineering talents to his garage.

“I devised this contraption so that I could actually verify pain,” inventor Ken Waters told reporters.  “It’s easy, you just press this button and put the device on their skin near their pain.  Then simultaneously ask them their pain score as you press the button.”

Ken Demonstrated for us.  “Vwahla! You are in 2/10 pain.”

He was correct, as this reporter had been bothered by right knee pain for a couple weeks but was keeping it to himself.  I had stated zero pain when Waters asked, but the detector called me out and was correct.

Waters said the device can sense electrical impulses in pain fibers and the more frequently they fire, the higher the score.  It also inputs audio waves from the verbalized pain score from the patient to sense for what Waters describes are “bull[expletive] sound waves.”

“The device will listen for bull[expletive] theta sound waves emanating from the patient and will correlate the information with the electrical impulses to generate a number,” said Waters.

Emergency Department budgets for narcotics have dropped off almost overnight and because so many ERs have utilized this device, patients are actually getting better.  It is well known narcotics rarely help non-cancer chronic pain in the long term and in fact may hurt chronic pain patients by causing opioid-induced hyperalgesia, a condition where opioids can induce an increased sensitivity to any painful stimuli.

“Our satisfaction scores plummeted for a couple months, as people complained that their ‘meal in the ER was terrible and I didn’t even get my pain meds that I came here for!’  Now we see less patients, and the patients we do see are truly in pain, as word has spread not to try and fake out Jersey City ER.”

“I love to see the look on a patient’s face when they tell me they are in 10/10 pain and it comes back a 1!” a nurse told GomerBlog.  “It’s like they were caught with their hand in the cookie jar!  Thanks for playing.”

105 COMMENTS

  2. The United States has about 10% of the world’s population, but utilizes over 85% of the world’s opiate pharmaceuticals. I am so glad I got out of Pain Management – the endless stream of people claiming 10 of 10 pain while kicking back and texting then putting on a shit show when you refused to refill their Opana two weeks early “because I must have lost it or something” (or “I just had to use a couple extra, I’m not that early am I?”) was soul sucking.

    “Fibromyalgia” is the single worst thing to happen to medicine in decades because it gives people a point where they can simply check out and wrap themselves in a vague diagnosis blanket. Is it any surprise that the vast majority of fibro patients (who demand narcotics even though vitually every study refutes narc’s benefit in fibro patients) are women with a history of untreated trauama? A lot of fibro pain is a physical manifestation of psychological scars. No surprise that anti-depressants and other psychogenic medications (Cymbalta, Lyrica, Savella, gabapentin, etc) have the best effect.

    Also, to all the special snow flakes losing their shit that people are being callous, and that they’re “pain is real dammit!”; calm down. You’re getting pissed off at the wrong people. You want to be angry at someone, get angry at the shameless drug seekers who have usurped your symptoms and presentations in their pursuit to fraudulently obtain their next high.

  6. Lmao you guys are so awesome with your predictability!! I was positive you would be back too. Lets see how long this one takes to wear out. My friend thought you were done already but I had a feeling you would pop back up like the little cockroach you are!! Thanks!!!

  8. I’ve been nursing longer then you’ve been a doctor but unfortunately we still need every bit we can get!! Much appreciated!!! Lmao

  10. Oh Lord!! For a while I thought you might’ve just cost me $5, cause my friend thought for sure you wouldn’t reply, but I said you would for sure!!! You rock!!

  11. “Nope you don’t and I guarantee that it didn’t even cross your mind because just like I said, you’re a cold hearted, judgemental ass. ” Those were your words prior to me saying anything of that nature. Who got wound up? And again, proving my point, you have nothing useful to say. Glad you have cemented that in the ground like a tombstone.

  12. ROTFLMAO nope at this point it’s pure amusement to see how wound up I can actually get you, and every time you don’t disappoint. Sadly my thanksgiving vacation is over tomorrow so I might not be able to irritate you too much, but so far you’ve. been a blast!!!

  13. My GOD do you know how to read at all?! You consistently say things that aren’t there. I never said you could, I said good thing you can’t. You really are stupid aren’t you? I’m so sorry for your patients, I wonder if you have misread meds and given the wrong ones a few times before. My guess is yes. Also not burnt out, been a doc for a mere 3 years. Been in medicine for over 13 though. I read everything you said btw, unlike you I can comprehend. You had disk issues, some days the pain is so bad you debate getting surgery, most days you don’t take all the pain meds you could because you have to work (which means you are working under the influence if you use any narcotics, good one!) and that you have 10/10 pain when laughing with co-workers to hide it. Also we should take what ppl say as gospel that is what their pain level is no matter if they are laughing, playing, or just leave the ER when they realize who is on duty. That should about sum it up. Now, if you have read what I pointed out 1) A majority of patient’s complaining of 10/10 pain aren’t in 10/10 pain. Yes I can tell if you are texting, laughing, eating a hamburger, or have cheeto sign (orange around your lips from eating cheetos in the waiting room) then no you’re probably not in 10/10 pain and are now less believable. Yes there is an epidemic of narcotic abuse in this country and it is my job as a good citizen and doctor to help limit the abuse in this country. So now you have confirmed, 1) you can’t read, comprehend, or think with a brain; 2) you go to work on narcotics which is illegal; 3) you would perpetuate a growing epidemic that causes more deaths than all other drugs combined in the US. So yeah that sums it up. The reason I keep replying is because EVERY post you make shows how little you know. I want others who read this blog to see that you are in fact the minority, uniformed, and most of all, not credible. So yeah, I keep replying. Now if you have something intelligent to say to refute what I have just listed please say something intelligent, not “oh you don’t know emotion, you don’t know pain” or anything not really relevant to the discussion at hand. All of my points have been based on the discussion at hand, well that and your lack of comprehension.

  14. Seeing as how I’m a nurse I can’t write prescriptions, but if they are ordered and the patient asks for it, yes I absolutely do give it. What’s scary is that you keep ending your posts like you’re done, but then…poof…you come flying back. And you haven’t paid a lick of attention to what I said I had been through, trying to explain why I feel the way I do, yet you don’t cough up anything which makes it clear that you haven’t been in that bed, and tells me that you are burnt out and don’t care how someone is feeling at all. Nurses aren’t there just for the physical we need to be present and there for them emotionally as well since every doc is WAY to overwhelmed to be able to sit with each one and give them that time.

  15. Been on the other side of the coin many times myself, almost an entire year of HS so no you don’t know anything more than me. Again, keep thinking your world is perfect. I have fantastic bedside manner and also great clinical acumen. You seem to practice with only emotion and no brains. Scary really. God I wish you had a DEA# so that the DEA could arrest you for fraud and abuse of the system when you give everyone who asks for narcs a percocet prescription. I’m done being at the level you are, it’s still abundantly clear that you are far below most humans in intelligence, comprehension, and well just about everything. Good day.

  16. Yes it’s quite clear that when the subject of human emotions, compassion, and even empathy are brought up, that you are very very lost. I bet you were awesome when it came to taking tests, but your bedside manner is lacking completely. I honestly feel bad for your patients. You won’t get it until it’s you laying in that bed and some prick makes a snap judgement about you.

  17. Don’t worry, I’m a good medical practitioner! Also pot meet kettle. I find it hilarious that you have to get in the last word every time. I just reply to your aimless banter because well frankly, nothing you have said makes sense or could be construed as intellectual. Thanks for playing!

  18. Oh god you keep making it better and better because you just can’t stop, and THAT is what’s amusing!!! But thanks for playing and try not to make anyone suffer unnecessarily!

  19. Hahaha, right. So you using explitives towards me, then me using them back with the POINT that I can use them too only because you did, makes me emotionless? You just proved my point over and over again that you’re actually lacking intelligence, in a strong way. THANK YOU for proving my point repeatedly. You don’t know what you’re talking about, you can’t read, and you can’t comprehend. Ahh feels good to have you completely prove my point! Also I see you diverted from the topic b/c you realize I’m right, Thanks! :)

  20. FINALLY!!! I was wondering how long it would take for you to FINALLY come out and be the true asshole I knew you were. Because as unbending as I am in my opinion, you haven’t listened to a word I said either or budged from your feelings on it. Careful don’t act too irritated, someone may think you have a limited set of emotions.we wouldn’t want that now would we?

  21. Nah at some point you realize the person you’re arguing with will beat you down to their level with complete stupidity and then no one wins.

  22. See you don’t have a CLUE. You are commenting on something you have NO IDEA about. That’s what makes you more comical than anything. 1st, Epidurals are given during labor, not after. 2nd I never said I won’t treat pain, I won’t treat fake pain. Finally, you are a dumb bitch (see I can name call too, when you have nothing good to say, throw out explitives!) without a clue and live in a pretentious bubble where everyone deserves IMMEDIATE treatment and relief and screw the rest of the world because me me me me me me me. It is CLEAR that you care about only yourself and your beliefs and have no regard for any other point of view or even scientific data to support the overuse of pain medications in this country. Congratulations, you’re not even ignorant, you’re stupid! I don’t have to justify shit to you because in the end I practice the way I’m comfortable and confident. I know I am practicing good medicine. You can’t say that for yourself and if you do you’re lying….Again.

  23. Again, I will continue to treat my patients with what I’m allowed and you can continue to be judgemental and I pray that you don’t deny someone treatment that really does need it but just doesn’t look like they are in enough pain by your standards. Don’t deny anyone an epidural just cause they aren’t rolling around on the floor!! And do you know if I’ve had any kids, or anything else that I may have suffered as a result of my accident?!?! Nope you don’t and I guarantee that it didn’t even cross your mind because just like I said, you’re a cold hearted, judgemental ass. But hey good luck continuing to tell people how they are really feeling. At least my patients know I’m not a heartless bitch, which goes a long way cause youd be surprised how much better they can feel after just talking to someone…try it

  24. Again, if you have a good reason for pain, I don’t mind a short course of pain medications. When you tell me your pain is 10/10 as you’re laughing and joking, I am much more hesitant to believe you. So thank you for confirming my points. Also there is expected levels of pain for certain conditions, after birth we only give motrin. No narcotics, do you think birth is a pleasant procedure? No. But it’s accepted that motrin is all that is necessary and those asking for Dilaudid for post vaginal delivery won’t be getting it from me.

  25. Oh blah blah blah…yes I know there are many times opioid treatment is not warranted, my issue comes in when I’ve got a patient that just had a procedure done and the surgeon hands out naproxen or tramadol immediately post op. Yes they should be weaned off as they heal, but when the docs just simply wave them off and make them feel like drug seekers when they have legitimate pain it pisses me off. A high pain level can cause delayed healing and of course vital sign issues and depression…all because they don’t look like they are in as much pain as YOU think they are or should be.

  26. Nah, I give pain treatment when it’s medically warranted. I don’t give opiods to people who stub their toe, have numerous workups for the same problem and are negative, or for diseases where opiates actually make the problem worse (gastroparesis). But then again you know what all those diseases are because you’re the Mother Theresa of nursing. Congrats!

  27. And I also said many posts ago that I know there are people who abuse it, but its not our job to judge everyone like they are. And just like I’m trying to explain to you there are days where my pain is a 10 which is why I could no longer do my job there and had to do a different type of nursing that allows me the flexibility to treat my patients or if there are super bad days, move visits to different days because I can’t focus on them if all I can focus on is my own pain. That wouldn’t be fair for them. Its people like you that make it so hard for patients who truly need the treatment to get it. So back to your very very cold bubble.

  28. That’s not what I said at all. Again circumventing the truth. You didn’t have 10/10 pain and still go to work, which means even you lied about your pain. OK now that that is settled, I said the truth is many people don’t have 10/10 pain. Again you aren’t paying attention. If you read carefully I said those people with completely negative workups come in complaining of 10/10 pain and get prescription opiods from many providers. I choose to not be one of them. I don’t want to perpetuate their drug habits. Many people don’t need Dilaudid, very few actually do. Funny thing, but your bubble doesn’t understand there are actually hospitals in my state that have stopped stocking Dilaudid just so the drug addicts don’t come in anymore. You my friend live in a bubble where everyone tells the truth and really has pain when many times they don’t. If I’m ever not sure I err on the side of the patient and give them something to hold them over, but if all studies and tests are negative for organic process, then they don’t need heavy pain medications. Again, back to your bubble.

  29. I did work in an ER and I loved it, but because of what has happened and the injuries I got in an accident I couldn’t do it anymore because I couldn’t stand and be on my feet for twelve hour shifts, so I had to go in a different direction. Its one that I’ve come to love but I still miss the ER so much. I’m reaching the point that surgery is the only option, and that’s scary. And implying that unless a person has a pain score of 10 they shouldn’t receive proper pain control. That may not be what you meant but if you ‘re- read what you just wrote that’s exactly what you said. My “little bubble” it’s from being on both sides of this debate and no you will not change my mind that we shouldn’t be so judgemental. And it’s something called compassion…I give it to my patients daily because that’s what they deserve.

  30. You’re missing the point, or circumventing it, not really sure. I originally stated, you don’t experience 10/10 pain everyday. You said “still show up to work and smile and laugh with my patients and co-workers even if some days my pain really is a 10.” I stand by my statement, if it were really a 10 those days you would be in the ER not working, laughing, and joking, or even pretending to laugh and joke. People abuse the system and absolutely there is some objective criteria to rating pain. Continue to think the world is roses and sunshine but spend a few days in an ER and you will see the scum of the earth creep out and start demanding the Di, Di, Dil for their 10/10 abdominal pain that they have had for 5 years, seen 4 GI docs, 3 IM docs, and now pain management when really they have a psychological diagnosis and drug addiction. It’s no secret that the #1 cause of drug deaths is from prescription opiods (more than heroin). So until you can say all those opiates were prescribed for true 10/10 pain and not for people to abuse, be quiet. Truth is you have a very biased, one sided, and closed view of the medical system and have no clue of anything but your little world. That’s the harsh reality, maybe it scares you, maybe you don’t care, but I’m done trying to explain. It’s clear you just don’t care to understand or can’t comprehend the world around you. Congratulations for living in your own happy bubble!

  31. Awww running out of things to say huh? Lol I saw some of the shit comments you wrote on other peoples posts and you are nothing but a sad, hateful person. I actually kinda feel sorry for you, that attacking others is what gets you through your day. At least I make an effort to help people, unlike you who feels compelled to cut them down for having a different opinion then you. But like you said…there is always one tool in the bunch. But please keep throwing out the nasty comments so people can see what kind of person you are, instead of trying to have an intelligent conversation or even a civil debate on the subject.

  33. You continue to keep coming after me, which is not something I will let go. Why don’t you get a heart you cold bastard?!

  34. What’s also scary is that you answer my posts in less than a minute, which tells me you are creepily hanging around just waiting to pounce on someone for disagreeing with you.
    Get a life- and a Psychiatrist !

  35. ROTFLMAO that’s funny, I’m unstable because I choose to treat my patients instead of being a judgemental person! RN9285578 is my license # you douche bag

  37. Genene Jones was a Nurse also- see how that worked out ?
    I bet you are a unit clerk or MA since someone as unstable as you shouldn’t be allowed to handle schedule 2 or 3 drugs.

  38. Oh ffs…its not a 10 everyday and when you’re the one that either experiences the pain or cares for someone with it, there will always be emotion tied to it especially when it prevents you from doing things that you at one time loved doing. And clearly you won’t get what I’m saying until a day comes where God forbid you or a loved one is faced with it. My job is to make sure that my patients are as comfortable as possible, not judge if what my idea of a 10 is really what they are going through. My idea of a 5, may be someone else’s idea of an 8, which is why something like this device would never work. So knowing that, I will continue to respect what my patients tell me and treat it accordingly, just as I would want a doctor or nurse to treat myself or my family. There’s a ton of emotion in nursing and if you don’t have it then you shouldn’t be treating patients. I didn’t choose this career because I simply wanted a paycheck, I chose it to care for people when they’re at a vulnerable, frightening time in their life. I refuse to try and neglect the things they tell me just because there’s a difference in opinion on what I think they should or should not be feeling.

  39. Nothing to be ashamed of, this blog is for ER docs and nurses. The truth is a MAJORITY (sadly) of pain patients are drug seeking. We have no problem treating legitimate pain. The whole point of this particular blog is people claim 10/10 pain which should be the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life feel like you’ll pass out or die from the pain, as they play and talk on their cell phones. I’m sorry but if that’s the case you’re not in 10/10 pain. Did you play games and chat it up calmly when you had the pain from those spinal issues and the spinal headache from the leak? I’m guessing not. That is the point.

  40. But the point of the pain scale is to help medical personnel discern excruciating pain that’s the “worst in your life” versus something mild or moderate. The goal isn’t to get your pain to 0 it’s to take the edge off. In the end a 10/10 does have to be the most excruciating pain you’ve ever felt or you are not using the scale correctly. Unless your pain is worse every day and debilitating you’re not a 10. I don’t argue those in pain should get treatment, I do argue that you walk around with 10/10 pain everyday. Argue all you want but anyone with a clear head and not basing this off emotion would agree.

  41. I don’t abuse the system at all because I have to be able to function so I don’t take half of what I could because i don’t want to be a zombie. I’m saying that it’s not for me or YOU to judge what someone else needs. I don’t think you are the one thinking of what some people suffer with on a daily basis. A 10 out of 10 doesn’t have to be the result of major trauma. Everyone reacts and handles things differently. I know there are people who don’t need it which.makes it very hard for my patients to get what they need, but no one can know what a person perceives their pain to be.

  42. If you’re pain was a ten you wouldn’t be walking, plain and simple. The problem with your theory is we would be treating people like you who bastardize the system for their advantage. If your not on the floor you’re not in 10/10 pain. Trust me if you’re walking around a major trauma will make you feel more pain than you’re in now. Think with your brain, not your emotions.

  44. Lol omg how in the world did you crawl inside my body and figure out how much pain I.deal with on a daily basis?! And you are thinking of the wrong chart. For alert and oriented patients we use the numbers scale. For those that can’t communicate or respond appropriately we use the Wong/Baker scale which would be the one for someone in the fetal position. There are many people that have learned to cope with severe pain because of judgemental tools like yourself. We were taught that a patients pain is what they say it is and that is EXACTLY how I treat my patients, as should all people responsible for patient comfort.

  45. Been an RN since October of 2008 you parasite and trust me not one of my patients goes without, and I fight for them to be comfortable. But they aren’t being judgemental trash like you…maybe you should go back and see that I was pointing out that it’s no ones right to judge how an individual feels because no two people are the same.

  46. ( Pulls out own monogrammed tourniquet) “Here’s my only good vein !” and then points to bullseye tattoo on arm over his only vein left

  49. Hate to say it but you’re just as bad as them. You say “some days it’s really a 10” while you are chatting with co-workers? For someone so versed in pain have you looked at the chart. You would be on the ground in the fetal position crying in pain if it was a true 10. Case in point, people BS about pain ALL THE TIME.

  50. If 10 is the worst pain YOU have ever felt and you have never broken a bone, given birth or passed a stone, a bruise could be an 8! My labors were about a 7 & a 9, ironically since the 1st baby was 7 lbs and the second was 9. Passing a stone was worse–totally a 10. Bruises are 1-2, superficial cuts are a 2 or so for me. But everyone’s scale is individual.

    This tool does seem like it could be useful, especially with disabled or unconscious patients. If only it could be that easy. Also, while I think this is intended as satire, it is a little too veiled.

  51. The badthing aboit this is that one mis diagnosis could cost the hospital millions!!!! Dont think its worth the risk!

  52. So sorry that I left out the part of me being a hospice nurse you douche bag!!! So don’t you EVER try to school me in what real pain is!!! Go slither back under the to I you came out of, while I get up everyday with my pain and go treat everyone else’s physical AND emotional pain…you are nauseating.

  53. Everytime I read a medical satire story about pain, there’s always 2 or 3 trolls who pop up chastising everyone for not recognizing how ” special” they are because of their pain. I deal with patients like you all day , sweets. Most of you have several DSM4 diagnosis’s, usually with Borderline Personality Disorder leading the list. You are upset that the entire world doesn’t see you as special and treat you like a Princess.
    Try doing some missionary work in the Third World and see how real people deal with real pain, countries where you are lucky to get an aspirin for your cancer.
    I’ve had my share of kidney stones, cancer, fractures- most of the time I deal with it instead of becoming an emotional succubus to medical personnel.
    But that’s just me.

  54. Remember that when you’re in excruciating pain and I take my sweet time to dose you…I’ll be sure to laugh

  59. I’m curious as to where my fellow nurses have gone to school, because we were taught that the pain score is whatever they say it is. I’m disgusted by the comments here. Yes there are some that abuse the system but that bullshit meter can’t tell you what it feels like to them. Case in point…i have 7 herniated discs throughout my spine but I still show up to work and smile and laugh with my patients and co-workers even if some days my pain really is a 10. It is not for us to judge. Kinda makes me hope that you experience a 10 but your nurse doesn’t think you sound like you’re in enough pain. Take a desk job where you can get away with not having ANY sympathy or empathy for the people coming to us for help. You should be ashamed…

  60. Wow… REALLY?? I’m appalled at the comments here. I have had ACUTE, Necrotic pancreatitis, and now have Chronic pancreatitis, (diagnosed by one of the docs that pioneered the ERCP procedures, at IUPUI) and while I may not always LOOK like I am sick, I very much AM. I HATE going to the ER because of people in the ER that treat me like I am just there for a “fix”. I have terrible veins because I was hospitalized for almost 1/2 of 2013. When I went in with the acute attack, I was begging to just be killed… and I was treated like I was a seeker. Until my labs came back… then it was like they couldn’t move fast enough. I understand that there are people that do abuse the ER. But for people like me, who truly are sick, couldn’t you set aside your “ass hats” and treat us like HUMAN beings that are in pain??? I do have sensitivities to many, many meds and some of them are narcotics and were listed in my chart by doctors and nurses that treated me while in the hospital so yes, dilaudid IS the only pain med (Narcotic) I can take, and I have to have benedryl with it… I know not many will even give this comment a second glance. But on the off chance that you do, Please… PLEASE… don’t lump all of us into the same category. Treat us how you would want someone to treat you, your children or parents, because we are NOT all seekers. Thank You for doing the jobs that you do… no, really… THANK YOU! Without the ER staff I had when I was at my sickest, I would not be here today. Denise L. Williams

  61. U nurses o here should be ashamed of urself. .if u lived in my body for a day u would be singing a different tune. I have had 3 spinal surgeries and a terrible spinal leak. .

  62. I say charge the patient, the insurance company, Medicare, Medicaid, etc and get an ICD# code for the use of this miracle instrument. It would be useful to use it on the staff as well to determine just how much of a PIA these patients truly are!

  64. Perhaps this would be a deterrent in the ER for drug seekers, but in the hospice world not so. “Pain is what the patient says it is.” That’s the theory since pain is subjective. Some folks have a higher threshold for pain others do not.

  65. I’m calling BS. My favorite is when I am asking the pain score question and they interrupt me with “10” before I can finish the entire question. I then finish up with; out of 100. I guess it’s not that bad, or you’ve played this game before.

  66. Are you having any shortness of breath right now, “No, I feel like I cant breath but I dont have any shortness of breath.”

  77. Considering the amount of time for absorption and onset making the patient wait until they have break through pain is pretty messed up, by actually taking it on schedule they avoid having to experience the 30_45 minutes of pain waiting for their PO medication to kick in.

  78. You are asking them to answer a silly subjective test and they aren’t allowed to have halves?

  84. “My pain is a 12 even though I am laughing, texting, eating french fries and my heart rate is 62 and my pressure is 108/70.” :D “AND the ONLY thing that will help my pain is 4 mg of IV Dilaudid.”

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