Tuesday, July 7, 2020

Pain Medicine

Landmark Study: Fortnite Superior to Dilaudid in Teenage Males

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POUGHKEEPSIE, NY - A groundbreaking new study conducted by CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Poughkeepsie) found that teenage males preferred access to the popular video game “Fortnite” over opioid analgesics for the management of acute...

RN, MD Confused After Patient Requests Pain Med That Begins with an E

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ATLANTA, GA - An inpatient health care team has been baffled all day by a patient’s persistent requests for pain medication, but it’s not your usual suspect.  The patient keeps asking for that pain...
Super Bowl party AMA Dilaudid

What, No Dilaudid?! Guests Leave Super Bowl Party AMA

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ATLANTA, GA - Stating that the party spread of salads, sandwiches, guacamole, cheese and pepperoni pizza, wings, burgers, hot dogs, and fried chicken simply isn't enough, thousands of guests in the Atlanta area have...

Dilaudid & Morphine Shortage Prompts Pharmacy to Switch to Heroin PCA Pumps

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SMITHVILLE, AR - The ongoing rise in demand for opiate medications, combined with limited supply of intravenous narcotics has left physicians, nurses, and pharmacists scrambling to address patients’ pain control at many institutions throughout...

Ronaldo, Neymar Admit Magic Soccer Sprays Contain Dilaudid

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CHICAGO, IL - Two of the world's best soccer players, Cristiano Ronaldo and Neymar, have told Gomerblog the secret ingredient that makes those magic soccer sprays just so magical: elephant doses of hydromorphone (Dilaudid). "Truth...
homeopathy

Homeopath to Drug Seeker: ‘I Thought You Said Dilute It’

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SEATTLE, WA - Friday, local drug-seeker Garrett Ashton was reportedly shocked to learn that his Dilaudid was not available for pick-up, and in fact, it had not been prescribed at all. Upon following up...

Trump Tweets About More Medical Specialties

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President Trump has gone back to Twitter to tweet about some of the specialties he forgot in his first tweetstorm!

Patient’s Chronic Back Pain Due to Carrying MRI Report to Appointments

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TULSA, OK - Mimi Goodburger has had low back pain for several years. It all started when she slipped on a spilled Frosty walking out of the bathroom at a local Wendy's. "After I slipped...

Coerced by Lasso of Truth, Wonder Woman Gets Patient to Admit Pain Only 2...

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THEMYSCIRA - Wonder Woman overheard a strange patient describing his pain as "20 out of 10."  Seeking justice and finally safe from an ER bolus of admissions that put her Bracelets of Submission to...
CVS Pharmacy

CVS to Limit Opioid Prescription Length to 7 Days, Unless You Say “Pretty Please?!”...

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WOONSOCKET, RI - Stepping up to the plate to help combat the ongoing opioid epidemic, CVS Pharmacy has adopted a new opioid policy that will limit opioid prescriptions to 7 days and prioritize the...
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