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apple pager

CUPERTINO, CA – Lost amidst the excitement of the new Apple Watch has been the new Apple Pager, which is also due to hit shelves later this spring.  For years, health care practitioners have been longing for a much needed upgrade to the archaic pager, if not eliminated completely.  Enter Apple.  We got our hands on an Apple Pager and here’s what we think.


  • Weighs less than a droplet of water
  • Sleek design lets multidrug resistant organisms simply slide right off
  • The Retina HD display allows you to read annoying pages with tremendous clarity
  • The iSight camera allows you take high-quality selfies when having a mental breakdown
  • Apple Maps gives you turn-by-turn directions from patient to patient
  • Touch ID ensures that no one can see your most private pages
  • Expanded Emoji selection helps hammer home good or bad news with each text
  • iTunes access allows you to replace pager alerts with your favorite chart-topping hits
  • Available in black, silver, white, gold, camouflage, vomit, and red-and-white polka dot


  • The simplest 8 GB model costs $1999
  • The gold 16 GB Caduceus Edition Apple Pager costs 30% of the nation’s GDP
  • Battery life very short, good for only 3 pages
  • Screen cracks immediately
  • Retina display made with real human retinas
  • Apple Maps gives you incorrect turn-by-turn directions from patient to patient
  • Pairing with Facebook allows you to “Like” pages, which will happen never
  • No USB port or Blu-Ray drive
  • Requires that you carry your iPhone, iPad, and MacBook Air for optimal performance
  • Comes with those free crappy Apple Earbuds

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.