BOSTON, MA – In developing news at Boston Health & Science University, 51-year-old Chief of Medicine Kyle Jones and 53-year-old Chief of Surgery Maya Roberts were sent by the Charge Nurse on Unit 31 to the principal’s office due to their constant bickering and disruptive behavior this morning. This is their second trip to the principal’s office this week.
“She started it!” pointed Jones while reading an ECG, making a pouty face, and refusing to make eye contact with Roberts.
“Nuh-uh, he started it!” Roberts countered, sticking her tongue out in disgust as she read up on her next surgical case, a planned Whipple procedure.
According to eyewitnesses, Jones and Roberts were co-managing a patient with small bowel obstruction, pulmonary embolism, diabetes, and hypertension and getting along okay up until this morning. Roberts asked Jones if he would be willing to take over as the primary team since the patient had multiple medical problems and she didn’t anticipate performing surgery on this admission.
Charge Nurse Molly Thompson was present for the encounter.
“Roberts said if he took the patient she’d be his best friend,” explained Thompson, rolling her eyes. “But Jones said ‘Make me!’ and it was all downhill from there.”
“I heard some pretty nasty terms,” said unit secretary John Wiley, who was present for the intellectual discussion. “Four Eyes, Poopie Head, Booger Face, Fatty McFat … it was brutal.”
Several nurses and techs stepped in with chocolate-chip cookies, warm milk, and stuffed animals to break up the escalating verbal exchange between Jones and Roberts, which at one point involved inflammatory “Your Momma” and “Made You Look” jokes. There were even accusations of “Liar, liar, pants on fire!” and “U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you’re ugly!” During a Timeout, risk management was urgently consulted and strongly felt it was in the best interest of both parties to count to 10, finish rounding, and then proceed to the flagpole at 3 PM to settle the score for good.
However, Jones couldn’t hold back and muttered “Fart Face” under his breath. Angry, Roberts had a quick comeback: “I know you are but what am I?” This heated exchange opened the floodgates; an all-out brawl broke out in the form of pen stealing, headlocks, noogies, ear flicks, Wet Willies, nipple twists, dead arms, whoopee cushions, shoe-lacings, and, worst of all, towel snaps. Security was called to tickle Jones and Roberts apart.
“I couldn’t take it any more,” said Thompson, as she popped some Advil and massaged her temples. “I screamed, ‘THAT’S ENOUGH!!! GO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE NOW!!!’ and got them off my damn unit. I mean, forget Chief of Medicine or Chief of Surgery. It’s more like Chief of Mischief and Chief of Smart Alecks.”
Jones’ parents and Roberts’ parents were called. Yet again.
Jones, Roberts, and both sets of parents were at the principal’s office just earlier this week. Jones caught Roberts cutting and pasting his note and screamed out, “Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!” Frustrated by the tattletale, Roberts fiercely retaliated by repeating everything Jones said for the next two hours. Charge Nurse Thompson eventually sent the two to the principal’s office for hair pulling and atomic wedgies. At the end of that meeting, Jones and Roberts apologized to one another and promised to be on their best behavior. Even the parents apologized to one another, unsure why “Kyle-e-pooh” and “Sweet Lil’ Maya Monkey” couldn’t just get along like all the other medical providers.
“I thought they had taken it to heart,” said Principal Ronald Wang, as he got ready for the second meeting with the two chief troublemakers. “They pinky-swore.”
Though most believe that Jones and Roberts are past the point of reconciliation as friends or coworkers, physical therapist Monica Black offered a different perspective.
“I think they LOOOOVVVVEEEE each other!” Black remarked melodically with a blush and a smile. She later added, singing happily while skipping down the hall: “Jones and Roberts sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”