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Hospital Replaces Pharmacists with “Narcotic Sommeliers”

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SANTA CLARA, CA – A Bay Area hospital is making a bold move to improve patient satisfaction, as last week its staff pharmacists were laid off and replaced with exhaustively educated and highly-trained “narcotic sommeliers.”  Administration at Our Lady of Chronic Neuropathic Pain, Without Mention of Complication Hospital (OLCNP, WOMOCH) did extensive research on patient satisfaction prior to taking action in the name of improving its scores.  Rodger Waterfordson, CEO of OLCNP,WOMOCH spoke with GomerBlog about the factors influencing his recent decision.

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“You will love this vintage 1995 Benadryl…”

“Here in wine country, we appreciate a well-versed guide to help us decide which mind-numbing substance best fits our meal, scenery, and state of mind.  Why should this boon be limited to refreshments in restaurants?  We wanted to ‘think outside the box’ and encourage synergy as it relates to value-based purchasing, as we continue our mission to promote a patient-centered experience.  Shouldn’t a patient with biliary pancreatitis on clear liquids be visited TID by a tuxedo-wearing handsome dark-haired man with a towel draped over his forearm who has the knowledge to recommend the 2004 Dilaudid produced in a peaceful Laotian poppy field over an ’11 Morphine sure to anger the Sphincter of Oddi  That level of expertise is irreplaceable.”

GomerBlog pressed Waterford about the lack of pharmacist oversight and the inherent loss of the safety net as it relates to prevention of dosing errors and medication interactions.  “Press Ganey has clearly and repeatedly proven that the only relevant drug errors involve inadequate narcotics, late narcotics, and slowly-pushed narcotics.  We have gotten the message loud and clear.  If a patient overdoses on narcotics and dies, that patient doesn’t get a satisfaction survey.  We are perfectly fine with killing a few patients with kindness, so long as no patient has any recollection of an unpleasant experience within our walls.  It’s the future of customer-centered patient care, and it’s a beautiful thing.”

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