Couple watching TV

Debtflix: View School Debt On-Demand Anytime, Anywhere

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LOS GATOS, CA – Netflix, a leading provider of subscription-based on-demand streaming media to over 70 million people worldwide, revealed a new service called Debtflix, allowing health care practitioners to view their graduate school debt of mind-blowing and unholy proportions on-demand anytime, anywhere.

Couple watching TV
“Honey, I wanna good laugh tonight, can you put on Debtflix?”

“Health care professionals are notorious for having poor financial acumen,” said Netflix & Debtflix CEO Reed Hastings while watching Orange Is the New Black.  “Why is that?  Simple.  It’s because they don’t have instant access to their debts.  Now what if we allowed physicians and nurses to experience the drama, action, and comedy of watching their total debt multiply with rising interest rates whenever, wherever they want?  And with options for both subtitles and dubbing?”

Debtflix will also be subscription-based and on-demand with three monthly price levels: Basic at $799.99, Standard at $999.99, and Premium at $1,199.99.  Though all plans allow access on your laptop, TV, phone, tablet, and crash cart, Premium has the added advantage of letting you watch your debt increase in glorious HD or ultra HD, and on as many as four screens at once.  Debtflix is already streaming some of the hottest loan debts right now: Stafford, Graduate PLUS, Perkins, and private.  And good news to those healthcare providers who carry outdated pagers: Debtflix will page you hourly with your current debt.  Signing up is easy and you can even use your current Netflix email and password.

“Outstanding,” commented nurse Chris Mitchell, a Debtflix Basic subscriber.  “Outstanding debt, I mean; it just reached $50,000.  Excuse me while I vomit.”

“This is amazing,” said third-year cardiology fellow Amanda Collins, playing with the Debtflix app on her phone and pondering whether or not it was worth putting off earning a full-time salary for 10 years.  “With just one click I see that I have $200,000 in debt and counting.  Wow, that totally blows.  Is being a doctor even worth it?”

Not everyone feels the same way as Mitchell and Collins.  Many people went into medicine to help others and be compassionate towards people, irrespective of money, salary, and debt.  Ask Lauren Jones.  She is a primary care physician whom we asked for comment, as she stepped out of a patient’s room.  She loves her job.

“Such a drug seeker, I hate my job,” Jones muttered while shaking off yet another frustrating encounter.  She makes a beeline for a stack of paperwork.  She’s behind.  “He even threatened to sue me.”  She emotes a long sigh, one that can only be produced from years of exhaustion.  “Sorry, what was it you asked me?  Something about Debtflix?”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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