CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Recommends Against Any Advice to “Eat Sh*t and Die”

  • 796
    Shares

ATLANTA, GA – Contrary to what that angry dude might have just screamed at you, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention recommends against his and anyone else’s advice to “eat sh*t and die,” citing an exponentially-increased risk for morbidity and mortality.

CDC headquarters, ignore, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die
Don’t do it!

“You must not mistake this gentleman’s enthusiastic suggestion to ‘Eat sh*t and die!’ for sage wisdom,” commented Acting Director of the CDC Dr. Anne Schuchat, who has not recently consumed any fecal matter and expired.  “Though fecal transplant has proven helpful in patients with recurrent C. difficile infection, it hasn’t been well studied in other patient populations, and we certainly cannot in good faith get behind the suggestion to pass away shortly thereafter.”

Acting Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams agrees with the CDC.  “If you analyze the phrase carefully and put it into context – namely, that the person yelling it at you is extremely pissed and giving you the middle finger – you start to perceive that ‘Eat sh*t and die’ is actually a threat and, therefore, poor advice.  So when offered that advice, be smart: don’t take it.”

In the event you cannot walk away and instead need to respond to “Eat sh*t and die,” the CDC recommends turning the other cheek and sending a positive message regarding a healthy lifestyle, something along the order of “Eat fruits & live!!” or “Eat vegetables & smile!!”*

*The CDC does not take responsibility for any ensuing a**-kicking in response to this.

image_pdfimage_print
  • Show Comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

Medicine Team ‘Forgets’ to Round on Patient on Psychiatry Ward

369SharesJACKSONVILLE, FL – Dr. Karen Turner, chief medical resident at Fallbrook Hospital, led her team ...

lab results

July Intern: ‘Potassium is Either 4 or 14’

772SharesKEARNEY, NE – Residency is full of minute details and keeping these all together ...

Staff Not a Fan of New Antisocial Worker

504SharesPASADENA, CA – Medical staff have told GomerBlog early this morning that they are ...