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CDC Recommends Against Any Advice to “Eat Sh*t and Die”

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ATLANTA, GA – Contrary to what that angry dude might have just screamed at you, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention recommends against his and anyone else’s advice to “eat sh*t and die,” citing an exponentially-increased risk for morbidity and mortality.

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Don’t do it!

“You must not mistake this gentleman’s enthusiastic suggestion to ‘Eat sh*t and die!’ for sage wisdom,” commented Acting Director of the CDC Dr. Anne Schuchat, who has not recently consumed any fecal matter and expired.  “Though fecal transplant has proven helpful in patients with recurrent C. difficile infection, it hasn’t been well studied in other patient populations, and we certainly cannot in good faith get behind the suggestion to pass away shortly thereafter.”

Acting Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams agrees with the CDC.  “If you analyze the phrase carefully and put it into context – namely, that the person yelling it at you is extremely pissed and giving you the middle finger – you start to perceive that ‘Eat sh*t and die’ is actually a threat and, therefore, poor advice.  So when offered that advice, be smart: don’t take it.”

In the event you cannot walk away and instead need to respond to “Eat sh*t and die,” the CDC recommends turning the other cheek and sending a positive message regarding a healthy lifestyle, something along the order of “Eat fruits & live!!” or “Eat vegetables & smile!!”*

*The CDC does not take responsibility for any ensuing a**-kicking in response to this.

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