Tom Price

Tom Price to Stabilize ACA Marketplaces with Intramedullary Nails

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Secretary of Health & Human Services and former orthopedic surgeon Tom Price has suggested that the best way to stabilize Affordable Care Act (ACA) marketplaces it not with bipartisan-supported legislation but with intramedullary nails.

“I’ve learned a thing or two working with bones, so listen good,” Price explained in an address to Democrats and Republicans on Capitol Hill.  “When I face a fractured long bone that looks like it’s about to collapse, you know what I do?  I drill a nail right through the bone’s medullary cavity.  What happens?  In a matter of weeks to months, that bone stabilizes around the intramedullary nail and eventually works better than ever.”

“The obvious solution,” Price continued, “to stabilizing the ACA marketplaces it not by Democrats and Republicans working together, but by orthopods like me drilling intramedullary nails right through the heart of them, and I promise you these ACA marketplaces will be able to bear weight and walk again, though it might benefit from a little PT, OT, and rehab depending on how the surgery goes.”

Congress will embark on legislation to approve both the orthopedic repair of the ACA and funding for DVT prophylaxis.  Health care experts expect the measure will pass both the House and Senate with ease.  In the meantime, Secretary Price has consulted Hospital Medicine for medical management.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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