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OKLAHOMA CITY, OK – Despite the request to use only light-to-medium pressure during a one hour deep tissue massage, masseuse Lindsey Wang has gone overboard and accidentally broken all 206 bones in her client Gabby Nile’s body.

massage masseuse
Whoops, there goes the scapula

“There were a lot of knots in her upper back, forearms, and hamstrings, and I guess I got carried away,” explained Wang, who amazingly managed to avoid impaling her hands into any bone fragments during the two-hour massage.  “I knew something was wrong when her body started resembling a bean bag.” 

The good news for Nile is all the knots are gone.  The bad news is her skeleton has been ground into a fine powder.  Even the strongest bones of the human body, her femurs and cranium, didn’t stand a chance.

“There have been plenty of advances in orthopaedic surgery,” Dr. Brock Hammersley told Gomerblog in a phone interview, “but we have not yet mastered the art of a full skeletal transplant.  That technology is far into the horizon.  As for trying to reconstitute bone powder into a femur, you can forget it.”

As for Ms. Niles, how is she feeling currently?

“Well, I’ll be honest,” said Nile, trying to stretch her arms to the sky but now limited by the total obliteration of her axial skeleton, “I might no longer have any bones in my body but man I am so, so relaxed!  That deep bone pulverization, I’d recommend it to anyone.  As for my masseuse Lindsey?  She’s the best.”

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  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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