NEW YORK, NY – An inpatient medical team was shocked to learn that a barium enema performed earlier today revealed an abnormal presence of barium in their patient’s rectum, something no one expected.

“Good God, how did all that barium get in there?!” asked general surgeon Dr. Aaron Trocar, puzzled by the study results. “That’s effed up. How did the patient let this happen? It just isn’t normal to find barium anywhere in the colon. No wonder the patient hasn’t been feeling well.”

Trocar, along with hospitalist Joanne Playse and gastroenterologist Michael Scopes, were trying to determine their patient’s complaints of unintentional weight loss, lower abdominal pain, and rectal bleeding. They agreed on a barium enema to help in the initial work-up. Unfortunately, the results have created more questions than answers.

“I’m admittedly not excited about scoping this guy, I don’t want to get our colonoscopes all covered in barium, that’s just gross,” confided Scopes, who says the same reasoning is why Trocar doesn’t want to go in an operate. “We need to talk to him about how he shouldn’t, under any circumstances, be convinced into receive barium, especially orally or rectally.” He paused. “Actually, maybe we should call palliative care?”

They did.

“Geez, barium in the colon? I’ve never heard of it but it sounds terminal and my instinct says DNR and hospice,” said palliative care nurse practitioner Amanda Poa. “If it’s okay with you guys, I’ll go ahead and order the PCA.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.