BOSTON, MA – A landmark study published in the Just-Like-New England Journal of Medicine has confirmed that no nurses station in any health care facility across this country has a 1-to-1 ratio of computers to chairs, GomerBlog reports.

nurses station

The findings confirmed what many health care professionals have observed over decades of clinical experience: the nurses station has either too many chairs or too few chairs. In other words: WTF.

“We call it the Goldilocks & The Three Bears dilemma, or Goldilocks for short,” explained charge nurse Lucy Spence, who has been standing for the past three hours since sitting is not an option. “For reasons outside of our understanding, the number of chairs and computers are never equal. It’s never just right.”

The most puzzling scenario, which happens all too frequently, is when there is a plethora of computers but not a single chair in sight. With all of our missing pens having been recently discovered in a parallel universe, many nurses, doctors, and other health care professionals can’t help but wonder if there is yet another parallel universe with extra chairs.

“It’s the Law of the Conservation of Chairs,” explained NASA Administrator Elizabeth Flowers. “If they’re not at the nurses station, they must be somewhere. I instinctively want to blame Anesthesia, but I think they’re off the hook on this one.”

Another more radical theory proposes that for every open beverage container at the nurses station one chair dies.

“Until we can figure this out for sure,” added Flowers, “I strongly recommend keeping those open beverages away. Not because of the Joint Commission, but because killing chairs goes against primum non nocere or first do no harm.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.