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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has discovered all of the missing pens ever lost by health care professionals, stating they’re located in a newly-discovered parallel universe, Gomerblog reports.

“No one has ever found these pens on Earth, on any of our of neighboring planets, or in our universe, but we all know that the Law of Conservation of Mass must hold true,” explained NASA Administrator Elizabeth Flowers. “We decided to look for alternate galaxies and parallel universes and, by golly, we hit the jackpot.”

By NASA’s estimation they’ve come across at least a centillion (10 to the 303rd power) pens. And they’ve only scratched the service.

“There’s no doubt about it: this is the biggest breakthrough in the history of both space exploration and modern medicine,” explained astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. “I really believe the reason modern medicine started embracing electronic medical records is they ran out of pens to continue charting by hand.”

He has a point; the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recognized this when they issued their latest recommendation on pen management.

To any health care professional out there who has been missing their favorite pen, it might be a little too early to celebrate. NASA has not yet figured out how they plan to extract all of these pens and deliver them safely back to the Earth of our universe.

But health care professionals have a solution.

“Send every da Vinci we have into that parallel universe to retrieve them,” explained orthopedic surgeon Brie Hammersley. “We’re okay sacrificing them. If all the Da Vincis perish in the quest, so be it. So be it.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.