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ROSEMONT, IL – Concerned that current measures aimed at mitigating the spread of pandemic coronavirus in the United States are not aggressive enough, our nation’s orthopods have taken it upon themselves to flatten the curve with brute strength and mallets.

“Let me be frank: orthopods excel at crushing things. Without every state having a stay-at-home order in place and without everyone truly doing their part at social distancing, we have no choice but to act,” explained orthopedic surgeon Dr. Brock Hammersley, as he completes his 40,000th bicep curl in preparation for duty. “We need to use our greatest asset – physical superiority – to not just flatten this curve, but completely crush it.”

The game plan laid out by the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons includes an army of orthopods working around the clock, each attacking the curve with 10 overpowering overhead mallet blows per minute in the attempt to convert it into a straight line. In a true act of bravery, they plan to attack this curve without precious personal protective equipment, instead reserving it to health care workers on the front line trying to directly crush coronavirus.

Though the national stockpile is good for now, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention is asking Americans to donate spare mallets & hammers to their nearest hospital in support of Operation: Crush the Curve.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.