BURLINGTON, VT – GomerBlog meteorologists report that the first major healthcare storm of the season, Administrative Storm Andrew, has already unloaded over three feet of prior authorization forms over most of the Southern Plains and Southeast in the past 48 hours and expects to continue up the I-95 corridor towards the Mid-Atlantic and New England.
Interventional meteorologist Rusty Weathers explains. “Administrative storms are the perfect combination of cold indifference from leadership, high pressures from insurers, high patient volumes and expectations, and abundant vapor produced from the burnout and meltdown of nurses, doctors, and other healthcare practitioners. Andrew might be the perfect storm.”
Health care practitioners in the South are trying to cope with the undulating healthcare climate. Hundreds of injuries have been reported, most in the form of writer’s cramp, migraines from staring at endless screens due to documentation requirements, and slip and fall injuries related to “black lies” formed by a thin coating of glazed mission statements on floors, hallways, and corridors.
“This could be a storm for the ages,” commented Durham nurse Molly Icefield, bundled in paperproof layers. “Andrew keeps dropping forms from the sky. I can’t even get out of the hospital parking lot since my car is buried in patient satisfaction surveys. Or should I say patient dissatisfaction surveys. We’ve got one huge mess on our hands.”
Administrative Storm Andrew is expected to intensify with the next 1 to 168 hours, with our experts and novices expecting peak “transparency” in the Mid-Atlantic and New England by Saturday night, with the city of Boston anticipating six feet of paperwork by the end of the weekend. To further complicate matters, the paperwork is expected to turn into freezing rain by Sunday midday, which will wreak havoc for health care practitioners trying to fill it all out.
“We’re trying to get healthcare systems ready by putting up sandbags and handing out extra supplies of pens, both blue and black, staplers, and Band-Aids in case of any unforeseen papercuts,” said American Red Cross volunteer Jason Winters. “In dire circumstances, we may have to employ paper shredders and evacuate everybody to safety.”
The National Medical Service has issued advisories for Maryland all the way up into Maine. Though these areas expect no more than four inches of medication reconciliation and AMA (against medical advice) forms, there is growing concern over gail-force empty promises and the accumulation of nonsense, which may threaten the brittle morale of health care practitioners.
Medical personnel on the East Coast hope this isn’t anything like Administrative Tornado Brenda, which hit and penalized the Northeast back in 2009.
“Brenda didn’t leave a lot of forms, but she certainly did lay off a lot of hard-working people,” explained secretary Chris Windbreaker, who survived the historic downsizing F-5 tornado. “The worst part about it was the timing; we were already short-staffed. Brenda was a B*tch with a capital B. Let’s just hope Andrew isn’t a you-know-what with a capital A.”