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NEW YORK, NY – Sick and tired of the unfair nature of patient satisfaction surveys that puts service above disease management, a multidisciplinary team of doctors, nurses, nurse practitioners, and physician assistants at New York Medical Center have decided to fight fire with fire.  Teams have gone on the offensive with brand new health care practitioner satisfaction surveys to tip the scales in the balance of power back to the health care workers, where it belongs.

patient survey“It’s been a long time coming,” explains internist Michelle Effoff, seeking revenge after a patient rated her bedside manner as “poor” because she didn’t have enough milk in her cereal.  “Patients get to give us low scores because we didn’t give them their hourly fix of Dilaudid, or because they didn’t get double portions despite being diabetic and having a STEMI, or because we didn’t have a masseuse on staff.  Well, guess what?  Practitioners now have the chance to grade their patients.”

“Mr. X yelled at the nurses?  Mrs. Y cursed out the surgeon?  Mr. Z refused his medications, again, and left the floor, again?  Give them a ‘1’ and get them out of here.  Good luck trying to get into another hospital with those low scores.”

Health care practitioners are rejuvenated and re-energized by these new surveys.  For once, they no longer feel powerless.  And it’s awesome.

“I absolutely love these new surveys,” said nurse Ricky Shuddup, who was once rated “1 out of 5” because he provided a patient with yellow socks instead of blue ones.  His pockets are bursting at the seams with practitioner satisfaction surveys.  “The Suggestions for Improvement section is the best.  I like to give examples of how to be a better patient in the future: stop being a baby, don’t use curse words, stop being entitled, try being nice, and say ‘Thank you’ now and again.”

Shuddup added later: “I also love the section that asks about the patient’s understanding and competency in the use of pain scales.”

A survey conducted earlier this week by hospital administration revealed that an astonishing 100% of practitioners were participating in and completing satisfaction surveys and were doing so “with enthusiasm” and “with authority.”

“These surveys are a game changer,” said lowest-ranked hematologist based on willingness to prescribe narcotics, Ethan Skruyew.  “By the way, what is with those patients who always want to hide under their blankets and never let you examine them??  I can’t wait to rate those guys!”

An in-depth analysis of the first ten-thousand practitioner satisfaction surveys reveals that only a minority of patients (0.00001%) are considered ideal or model patients and have these following alien qualities: nice, patient, reasonable, friendly, respectful, and compliant.

A heavy majority of patients (99.99999%) are considered non-ideal, difficult, or awful patients and have these following all-too-common unpleasant qualities: child-like, rude, yelling, screaming, cursing, discourteous, offensive, mean, unappreciative, unreasonable, leaves floor often, seeks drugs, refuses things (medications, tests, advice, eye contact), and even throws poop.  Let me repeat that, Yes some patients actually throw poop!

One patient admits that she has been humbled by the feedback.

“I didn’t realize how demanding I was,” said frequent flyer pseudoseizure patient, Amy Malingerssen.  “It really bothers me that I’m not even considered a fair patient.  The comment that I ‘was a worse patient than Satan with PMS’ really made me take a good look in the mirror.  I hope to be a better patient to my docs and nurses in the future, I promise.”

Given the success of these practitioner satisfaction surveys, medical providers at New York Medical Center are looking to up the ante further with the hiring of practitioner advocates – nurse advocates, physician advocates, advocates for every medical practitioner in the hospital and clinic – to stand up against patients and their patient advocates.

“How is it patients get advocates but not us?” asked an exhausted general surgeon Malcolm Gotyanow after finishing up his fifteenth exploratory practitioner satisfaction survey for the day.  “It’s nice to have a voice for once!”

According to sources close to GomerBlog, every hospital and clinic in America has followed New York Medical Center’s lead and expects to implement their own practitioner satisfaction surveys within the next 24 to 48 hours.

Count this as a rare win for health care practitioners.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.