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ATLANTA, GA – For the third time this month and tenth time this year, Jason Reynolds, a 54-year-old male with epic levels of noncompliance, looks forward to getting admitted once again and being a total pain in the butt by refusing absolutely everything a hospital can offer.  EVERYTHING.

stubborn patient
“Get the f**k out of my room!”

“Go ahead and offer something, I dare you,” said Reynolds, as he turned away a hospital gown and declined a physical exam.

Reynolds looks forward to refusing a whole host of things and a whole host of people on this admission: vital signs, blood glucoses, lab work, X-rays, CT scans, MRIs, medications, nurses, techs, students, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, doctors, subspecialists, phlebotomists, therapists, nutritionists, social workers, pharmacists, and pastoral care.

“It makes you wonder why I come to get admitted in the first place, right?” teased the stubborn Reynolds.  “Why hasn’t anyone seen me yet?”  He added later: “Leave me alone!”

Reynolds has a longstanding history of poorly-controlled hypertension, but believes the best way to control it is by eating crap and not taking any antihypertensives.  His diabetes is poorly-controlled too, but Reynolds has found eating cookies and drinking sodas with reckless abandon and refusing oral hypoglycemics, insulin, and diabetes specialists to be particularly effective strategies at promoting his demise.  Reynolds also plans to adhere to the No Smoking hospital policy by ignoring it completely and lighting up in his room frequently.

Health care practitioners are excited to see Reynolds back in the hospital.

“FOR THE LOVE OF…” said frustrated nurse Gene Sulley.  “No, no, NO… not this guy again!  UGH!!!”

Reynolds plans to shake things up by saying “Yes” a few times, though he will ultimately change his mind and say “No” at the last second, driving everyone absolutely bonkers.  He likes to give his medical team hope that he’s actually becoming agreeable when in reality he is still the same stubborn bastard up to his old, foolish games.  Reynolds is also intent on refusing pain medications and meals and really throwing everyone for a loop.

“Fix me, damn it, just don’t do anything!” demanded an irate Reynolds.  “I’ve been sitting here all this time and nothing’s been done.  I’ve been nothing but cooperative and this is what I get?  What kind of a place is this?!”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.