BOSTON, MA – Miss Management of Hospital Administration has been crowned Miss Universal Healthcare, beating out Miss Hap of General Surgery, Miss Understanding of Internal Medicine, and contestants from over 60 other subspecialties across medicine in last night’s medical pageant, which was televised in more than 80 hospital rooms worldwide.
“This is a dream come true,” exclaimed Miss Management, who wears the Miss Universal Healthcare cross & caduceus with excitement and pride. Fans and supporters of Hospital Administration are flooding meeting rooms and golf courses far and wide to begin what will be a long night of celebrations and a sinfully inordinate amount of paperwork.
Miss Management inherits the title from reigning Miss Universal Healthcare, Miss Spending, to keep the title in administrative hands.
Miss Management began to attract everyone’s attention during this year’s evening gown competition. She said no to the dress in favor of a nondescript black suit with a white dress shirt and a generic solid-colored tie. She accessorized with an oversized watch and a briefcase full of nonsense. She turned heads by not turning heads.
Then in the surgical gown competition, Miss Management took a huge gamble: whereas fellow contestants played it conservative and donned some of Michael Kors latest and greatest eye-popping creations, Miss Management opted to just represent herself by wearing yet another nondescript black suit with a white dress shirt underneath.
“I don’t necessarily agree with Miss Management, but you have to admire her ability to stay true to herself,” commented Miss Programs of Information Technology, who had to withdraw from the competition due to a computer virus.
In the swimsuit competition, Miss Management pulled away from the pack with another stunningly bland dark suit. If that didn’t seal the victory for Miss Management, then certainly her performance in the question responses did. When asked about what she would do to fix American healthcare, she gave a friendly smile and knocked it out of the ballpark with one simple word spoken with confidence, charisma, and charm: “Transparency.”
Runner-up went to Miss Hap of General Surgery, while second runner-up went to Miss Understanding of Internal Medicine. Miss Behave of Pediatrics, Miss Conduct of Psychiatry, Miss Demeanor of Psychiatry, Miss Handles of Risk Management, Miss Step of Physical Therapy, Miss Read of Ophthalmology, and Miss Treat of Hospital Administration round out the top ten.
With the title of Miss Healthcare, Miss Management receives the following: a pain detector, a bong-style incentive spirometer, a Pez Percocet dispenser, unlimited albumin, a one-year supply of Foley catheters, and a free screening colonoscopy.
“It’ll be an honor to represent the health care practitioner of today,” Miss Management said after the pageant. “And as someone without any medical experience whatsoever, I feel that I am more than capable of pulling that off.”