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Hospital Stops Serving Food

Josie Rose RN
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Hospital Stops Serving Food

MORGANTOWN, NC – North Carolina Christian Medical Center (NCCMC) in northwestern NC proudly announces landmark cost-cutting steps projected to save millions of dollars and generate millions more.  This week, NCCMC CEO Laurel Lamprey announced major permanent restructuring of the hospital services and staff.

Beginning May 1, 2015, NCCMC will close its food service department and restrict all food and nourishments from the premises.  These revenue-generating steps, say Lamprey, are designed “to impact patient care and employee satisfaction due to years of patient and staff complaints, and plummeting Press Ganey scores regarding cafeteria food and dietary dissatisfaction.”

Key hospital administrators along with the current Board of Trustees predict improvements on multiple levels.  According to hospital CFO Sharon Houseman, the hospital spends in excess of $1.2 million annually on food service for patients, staff, and guests and only recovers approximately $200,000 each year.  Cutting the food service department will net an additional one million dollars annually which can be spent on administrators’ cost of living increases and reward bonuses.  And, because NCCMC will be a food-free facility, it is estimated that key personnel will only work half days thereby reducing office space and non-productive meetings.  Unused offices will be renovated into more bed space for customers and a state-of-the-art all inclusive spa for hospital administrators.

From a healthcare and patient perspective, NCCMC predicts quicker patient turn-around times lending to more admissions with speedier discharges.  “After all” quotes Lamprey, “those people are gonna get hungry and will be begging for a speedy discharge.”  Many hospitals are criticized for discharging patients before they are actually ready.

“There are numerous advantages for a food-free facility besides therapeutic fasting,” states Lamprey.  They are:

  • No need for confusing NPO orders any more.
  • No need for gastric suction procedures.
  • No need for special diabetic or confusing cardiac heart healthy diet regimes.
  • No more patient complaints about food quality.
  • No more risky feeding of stroke patients.
  • No more worrying about food allergies and intolerances.
  • No more family members staying for long periods of time and directing patient care.
  • No more nurses eating at their workstations and violating Joint Commission regulations.
  • No more nursing license revocation for delivering the wrong sandwich selection to patients.
  • No more expensive and dangerous hypoglycemic medicine needed.
  • No more costly laundry expenses due to feces soiled linen.

From an employee perspective, “This is good news,” says Lamprey.  “We expect staff satisfaction scores to skyrocket.”  Nurses, for instance are required by law to have a break during a twelve-hour shift and now that they won’t be eating, they will be urged to quietly meditate and pray for the duration of their twenty-minute lunch.  Meditation is known to calm the spirit and soothe the soul.  And, other staff members in environmental services, maintenance, police, and clerical will only be required to work half days freeing them up to enjoy an expanded personal life.

Since staff will only be working part time, millions will be saved on costly benefits and health insurance.  Those employees who continue to receive health insurance will see immediate benefits beginning with personal weight loss.  “Why, the dismissal of our 47 overpaid food service workers alone will save the hospital a combined $76,000 annually,” exclaims Lamprey.  Next to administrators’ salaries, employee wages drive the exorbitant and unsustainable costs of healthcare.  Lamprey alluded to additional liberating and cost-saving cuts in other departments in the near future.

Lamprey sums up this bold and innovative step with, “There’s just no place for food in the business of healthcare.  If people want food, they can always go home or go to a restaurant.  We are in the business of business, not in the restaurant business.”

42 COMMENTS

  3. Kathleen Bietler-Teets, you do understand the definition of “satire” and realize this article is exactly that?

    Watch your step down off of ye ol’ proverbial soapbox.

  4. This is one of the damn dumbest things I’ve ever heard. That’s their answer to “constant food complaints”? Gee, instead of making the food BETTER, we’ll just get rid of it and save us money? Yet, their taking the area that the cafeteria was in and adding a spa for the administrators? Gee, that sounds super. I’ll bet the administrators will be having their lunch sent in. And not to mention that nutrition is directly linked to the healing process. What a bunch of idiots.

  8. OMG, this!
    I was seeing a pt in ER once who had intractable N/V. We were trying to decide if he had an SBO. When I went back to check on him, his entire extended family were all sitting around him eating Chile’s takeout. What is wrong with people? And why don’t we have a mean, crusty, old school nurse to throw these people out and only allow one visitor at a time?

  10. Both hospitals I work at close their cafeterias all weekend. Of course, the overpriced coffee shop happens to stay open and serve overpriced food all weekend at one of them.

  14. We have a mental health unit and when those pt’s are admitted through ER, all they want are their sandwiches. Of course this unit is a big money maker for the facility so I don’t see is doing this anytime soon

  16. One downside to this is that all those hospital “chefs” will find other employment at Federal/state prisons and county jails, thereby greatly increasing the risk of prison riots.

  21. Our “hospital” cut food service down to the bare bones. No dinner service (the patients do get “fed”). Open for lunch 1130-130 then that’s it, and the staff goes home about 530, so even if you have a new pt in the ER that needs a tray, they are stuck with a dry turkey sandwich. Pathetic!

  35. The patients and families already think they know more than the doctors, the nurses never know what they’re doing, they always get pissed when lab shows up and they argue about whether they actually need the lab work done, and the food, and everything and everyone, pretty much sucks so I say just do away with all employees, including docs and nurses, and implement a vending machine type dispensary where they can pick whatever meds, procedures, etc that they want, they can pick their own diagnosis, then the hospitals, docs and nurses won’t have to pay for malpractice insurance and there will be no lawsuits, or complaints, because the patient, who knows best, can do what they want and ultimately be held accountable to only themselves. That seems to be what they want anyways, minus the self accountability part, but life isn’t fair and you can’t always get everything you want, but this way it’s pretty close, huh

  36. The patients and families already think they know more than the doctors, the nurses never know what they’re doing, they always get pissed when lab shows up and they argue about whether they actually need the lab work done, and the food, and everything and everyone, pretty much sucks so I say just do away with all employees, including docs and nurses, and implement a vending machine type dispensary where they can pick whatever meds, procedures, etc that they want, they can pick their own diagnosis, then the hospitals, docs and nurses won’t have to pay for malpractice insurance and there will be no lawsuits, or complaints, because the patient, who knows best, can do what they want and ultimately be held accountable to only themselves. That seems to be what they want anyways, minus the self accountability part, but life isn’t fair and you can’t always get everything you want, but this way it’s pretty close, huh

  37. There is a high school with open lunch periods next to our hospital. Our cafeteria revenues are through the roof. No matter how disrespectful and how much table space they take up, the hospital doesn’t kick them out because they make too much money. It’s really fun!

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