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LONDON, ENGLAND – Despite a battery of noninvasive and invasive diagnostic tests, doctors at London Medical Center remain puzzled, as they are still unclear why British dance-pop group Right Said Fred are so sexy it hurts.  The self-proclaimed steamy duo of brothers Richard and Fred Fairbrass have been afflicted with sexiness since 1992.

Camp Bestival – 30th July, 2017: Brothers Richard and Fred Fairbrass with British duo Right Said Fred performing at Camp Bestival, Lulworth, Dorset 30 July 2017, UK (DFP Photographic / Shutterstock.com)

“Richard’s chief complaint?  ‘I’m too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love,’ was what he told me,” explained emergency medicine (ER) attending Ivan Jacobson, reading from his racy admission paperwork.  “And his brother Fred?  ‘I’m too sexy for my shirt,’ was his response.  How sexy, you ask?  Too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it hurts.”  Jacobson was unable to reproduce the sexiness on their exams.  Both were admitted for chest pain rule out.

ECGs, troponins, and stress tests were negative on both sex symbols.  CXRs were negative and CTAs were negative for pulmonary embolism (“I’m too sexy for my CT scan”).  Infectious diseases (ID) was consulted to rule out sexiness in a returned traveler given their recent partying in Milan, New York, and Japan.  Both Richard and Fred admitted they were too sexy for these parties.  However, neither Richard nor Fred admitted to disco dancing.

“Sexiness is very contagious,” said ID attending Leanne Burton, who was not too sexy for this consult.  “But so is HIV, hepatitis, and influenza.”  Fortunately for Right Said Fred, all infectious etiologies were negative, including meningitis, syphilis, and gonorrhea.  “What we have here is a classic example of an SUO: sexiness of unknown origin.”

Internist Kelli Bowman has been the primary caretaker for Right Said Fred and believes she is not too sexy for her patients.  “With all the negative results, they kept asking me, ‘What d’ya think about that?’ over and over again,” said Bowman as she looked up “acute sexy” on UpToDate.  “But then one day, Fred kept proclaiming he was too sexy for his car, by far, and too sexy for his hat.  Neither brother has cars, hats, or cats for that matter.  I called psych.”

“When you meet them, they’re pretty sexy,” said psychiatrist Kathryn Potts, fanning herself with a patient list.  She takes a few moments to gather herself.  “As for why they hurt?  That I can’t explain.  They don’t appear to be hallucinating or delusional.  Their pain isn’t psychogenic.  Their sexiness isn’t causing an emotional hurt.”

The hot and seductive Fairbrass brothers have been hospitalized for two weeks now.  Doctors pushed for more deliciously diagnostic tests, but the bald and beautiful brothers began refusing, stating they were “too sexy for these biopsies” and “too sexy for these bowel preps.”  Physical therapy (PT) was consulted and both Richard and Fred are doing well.

“Did you know both are models?” physical therapist Donna Mitchell asked, impressed by their mobility, charisma, and good looks.  “I walked with Richard first and he did his little turn on the catwalk.  Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah.  He did his little turn on the catwalk.  As for Fred?  Yeah, he did well too.  He shook his little tush on the catwalk.”

Dr. 99 is too sexy for this article.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.