ATLANTA, GA – In a statement earlier today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has recommended against the human immunodeficiency virus (or HIV). As spokesperson for the CDC Felicia Adams explained, “Look, if all other things are equal or even if they are totally unequal, if you had the choice between getting HIV and not getting HIV, we think it is prudent to opt for the latter choice. If you can help it.” The CDC believes that the ability for HIV to devastate the immune system and spread from person to person through certain body fluids are reasons enough not to get it. They have even gone so far to “definitely recommend against AIDS” too. The CDC is beginning to feel confident that “most if not all” infections are “really not a good idea” and recommends against all of them individually and in any combination. “We’ve studied infectious entities, outbreaks, epidemics all our lives, so please believe us when we say that infections are not good for you,” Adams further detailed in a statement released on social media. “Syphilis is at best not very nice, gonorrhea is probably a no-no, and herpes, that’s probably you don’t want either.” The CDC also wants to use this opportunity to remind people not to lick things like doorknobs, used tongue depressors, or unknown puddles of fluid on the hospital floor.
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