OAKLAND, CA – Sharpshooter Stephen Curry has officially suffered a sprained right MCL, which is so painful that it is in fact radiating to the chest of every Golden State Warriors fan in the country.

Curry will miss at least 2 weeks; Warrior fans possibly more.  “It’s substernal, hurts when I breathe,” said Warriors fan Erica Jones, one of thousands and thousands getting ruled out at Highland Hospital.

“I mean, 73 wins is great but we want more.  Without Steph… I mean, the team’s great but… Oh God, I’m feeling nauseous, sweating… someone get me some morphine!!!”

Medical personnel are hoping each Warrior fan improves as Curry gets some rest.  Though the Warriors are up 3-1 on the Rockets, area hospitals like Highland Hospital are boosting their support staff and resources as the road through the West looks even tougher now.  “If the Warriors don’t bring home a championship, we will see a chest pain epidemic like never seen before.”  No abnormal troponins have been detected thus far, though this expects to change after Game 5 tip off.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.