WASHINGTON, DC – In an annual holiday thrown by health care systems to celebrate the contributions of physicians and publicly acknowledge that they “look like crap” and “need some rest for a change,” this National Doctors’ Day will offer a sincere thank you by sending all physicians and surgeons across the nation home and making them unavailable.
“Nurses get a whole week each year, so it’s only fair that doctors really take advantage of this day,” explained American Nurses Association President Pamela Cipriano, PhD, RN, FAAN. “Bedsides, with the rolling out of these call lights with lockout intervals and the tricks we have up our sleeves, I think nurses are gonna be a-okay until tomorrow.”
President Andrew Gurman, President of the American Medical Association, appreciated the gesture. “All right, guys,” he told physicians from coast to coast. “You got 24 hours. No interruptions, no pages, no notes, no nothing. Try to get some sleep for Pete’s sake. Let’s take this opportunity to recharge and, more importantly, work on our resting bitch faces. Make the most of it!”
A Gomerblog poll of 2,000 physicians across specialties revealed 80% of physicians plan to sleep today, 10% plan to do a “lifetime’s worth of laundry,” 5% plan to “say hello to their family and loved ones” if they can remember what they look like, and 5% plan to do an “unholy amount of Netflix binging.”
To ensure that patients remain cooperative while doctors are inaccessible, they will be given extra ginger ale and turkey sandwiches. In addition, the filling out of patient satisfaction surveys will be suspended. If these measures doesn’t work, Ativan diffusers and Haldol blowdarts have been deployed and are on standby.
“Thank you, doctors, for all that you do, Happy Doctors’ Day!” read a beautiful banner hung above the entry way at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. “Now rest up and make yourselves great again, even though you aren’t here to read this banner!”