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General Surgeon: Evidence-based medicine.  “Oh, your tummy hurts?  Well, let’s open you up and take a look, shall we?”

Emergency Medicine: Dilaudid.  The screams will be deafening.

Cardiologist: Stethoscopes.  If you can’t hear heart sounds without one, you must be a med student.

Internist: Placement.  Within 3 days, the hospitalist service will be all chronic diarrhea and psych patients.

Gastroenterology: The little screen they look at during colonoscopies.  They will just do it by “feel” and the Force.

Neurosurgeon: Anything.  You’ve been giving up your family for Lent for 20 consecutive years, it’s time for something new.

Anesthesiologist: NPO status.  “I see you had biscuits and gravy with coffee before coming in for your scheduled quadruple bypass.  No problem.”

ENT: The “N.”  For the next 2 months, it’s just ET.

Ophthalmologist: Examining the left or the right eye.  You can choose, but you can’t do both.

Physical Therapist: Ambulating TID.  I think you’ll find ambulating BID is just as gratifying.

Respiratory Therapist: Nebulizers.  Surely there is something else you can use.

Gynecologist: Pap smears.  They are just going to eyeball it.

Geriatrician: Decreased doses.  Full strength medication dose for every senior.

Pathologist: Isolation from human contact.  Pathologists will be reading out specimens in the hospital cafeteria every day at noon. Everybody come watch and ask how their day is going.

Psychiatrist: Patient restraints.  Let’s just see where this takes us.

Family Medicine: Longitudinal health.  Caring for the whole person no matter what age?!  Focus on the part, not the whole, just like everyone else.

Neurologist: MRI.  You can always find the lesion yourself, what do you need an MRI for anyway?

Pharmacy: Dosing.  Just pick a number and run with it.  What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Nurse: Access to Pyxis.  “You need a toothbrush?  We keep those in the Pyxis, and unfortunately, I’ve given that up for Lent.”

Nephrologist: Urine specific gravity.  You’ll have to figure it out like nephrologists used to do back in the day.  By smell.

Pediatrician: Parents.  No parents allowed.  Lent may last forever.

Physiatrist: TENS units.  Only EIGHT units are available.

Pulmonologist: Percussion.  Oh wait, we got rid of that like a decade ago.

Orthopedic Surgeon: Femurs.  You’ll have to fix only the small, stupid, weak bones.  It’ll be a long 2 months, but you’ll be fine.

Obstetrician: Fetal heart tracings.  Let’s just wing it since they don’t truly help.

Dermatologist: Local anesthesia.  It’s not so fun being a dermatologist now, is it?

Radiologist: Darkness.  You can read an X-ray in harsh fluorescent lights like all the other doctors.  It’s not going to kill you.  Or will it?

Infectious Disease: Blood cultures.  How much do we really need them anyway?

Pastoral Care: Religion.  You can still offer hope, just not prayer.

Urologist: Penises.  Sorry, I just still can’t believe that’s what you’ve chosen for a career.

Vascular Surgeon: Doppler.  Find another super annoying sound device.

Thoracic Surgeon: Double lumen tubes.  Time to just work around that lung.  You got this!

Hospital Administrator: Your loving, unconditional respect for the wonderful doctors and nurses who give you purpose in life.

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Dr. Glaucomflecken
Following a successful career as a doctor impersonator, Dr. Glaucomflecken decided to attend a real, accredited medical school and residency program. Now he spends his time treating eyeballs, occasionally forgetting that they belong to an actual human body. Dr. Glaucomflecken specializes in knowing where to look when talking to somebody with a lazy eye. He started writing for GomerBlog after being told to “publish or perish.” Follow me on Twitter @DGlaucomflecken