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black hole
“To boldly go where no colonoscope has gone before…”

SAN DIEGO, CA – Some of the biggest accomplishments ever made in medicine only came to fruition because passionate people were allowed to be dreamers.  Gastroenterologist Randolph Wood is no exception.  Beloved and considered one of the top gastroenterologists in southern California, Wood shared with Gomerblog his big hope one day, which draws back to his childhood love for outer space and science fiction: to become the first person to ever scope a black hole.

“The idea of a black hole has always fascinated me, that there is a region of spacetime with gravitational effects so powerful that not even light can escape it,” Wood explained while attempting to retroflex his colonoscope in a patient’s rectal vault.  “As someone who performs EGDs, ERCPs, and colonoscopies; penetrates the oral cavity and anal cavity; maneuvers scopes to the far reaches of the cecum or the sphincter of Oddi; it is only natural that I want to scope the biggest orifice of all: that of the universe’s, the black hole.”

Wood is a dreamer but he is not unrealistic.  He understands that it will take years of physical training to overcome the g-forces of rocket launch out of the Earth’s atmosphere.  He understands that missions to Mars have not yet happened, much less to the outer reaches of our galaxy.  He understands that the black hole might need one hell of a bowel prep and absolutely needs to be NPO after midnight.

“All these pieces have to add up, then we have to make sure the black hole doesn’t have a low potassium or hemoglobin that would cause Anesthesia to cancel the procedure,” Woods said, his rolling eyes signaling nothing but blame towards Anesthesia.  Wood regained a smile on his face, and began staring off into space, dreaming once more.  “Can you imagine what we might find within the black hole?  We could find normal mucosa, we could find a polyp, we might even just see galactic stool burden.  Now wouldn’t that be something?!”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.