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arm-wrestling match
“Come on, Da Vinci, kiss my biceps”

DURHAM, NC – An anticipated nail-biter that didn’t end up going the distance, orthopedic surgeon Barrett Stonewall easily defeated the Da Vinci Surgical Robot in a good ole fashioned arm-wrestling match that took place under the bright lights of operating room (OR) 6, taking his sparkling record to a still-undefeated 238-0.

“It reminded me of Mike Tyson back in his prime, when he was demolishing opponents in a matter of seconds,” explained hospitalist Patrick Holmes, who was second row and caught Da Vinci’s mangled arm after it was dislodged by Stonewall’s brute force.  “It was short but I definitely got my money’s worth.”

It was a highly-touted match-up.  Many of their statistics on paper were nearly identical: same height, same weight, Da Vinci costs $2 million while Stonewall had $300K in medical loans.  However, there were a few glaring differences: Da Vinci has one eye (Stonewall has two), Da Vinci has four arms (Stonewall has two), and Da Vinci is inefficient at surgery (Stonewall, an attending surgeon, exemplifies efficiency).

The two opponents grasped right hands at the table before Anesthesia said, “Ready… go!”  In less than two seconds, Stonewall overpowered Da Vinci, not only pinning the robot’s arm down to the table but tearing it off entirely and flinging it into the sold-out OR in triumph.

It was a dismal show for Da Vinci, who had shown great potential when he defeated scrawny, post-call medicine intern, John Weakland, last week in 8 hours and 46 minutes.  Weakland admitted he was “asleep and not trying,” but it was Da Vinci’s unrelentingly slow and monotonous pace that wore Weakland down.

Stonewall was asked if there was one opponent he’d love to face in his next arm-wrestling match.

“Vincent Jones,” Stonewall replied without hesitation.  “You wrote about him once.  An internist with bigger biceps than my friend Thor Hammersley.  I don’t believe it.  Bring him on!  Medicine doesn’t tear apart phone books, Ortho does!”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.