Brie Hammersley complete blood loss

Op Note: ‘Successful Despite Complete Blood Loss’

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BIRMINGHAM, AL – With the exception of complete and total blood loss, today’s routine total left hip arthroplasty was a resounding success devoid of complications, according to orthopedic surgeon Brie Hammersley.

“We’re pleased to say that the patient will be walking like new, at least once she gets transfused 12 units,” Hammersley told Gomerblog, further stating that the surgery went exactly according to plan, minus the part where the patient exsanguinated. “How many units of blood are in the human body anyway? She’ll be fine.”

Hammersley was nice enough to show us a copy of her operative note, or op note, for short. Here are the two lines that stand out:

ESTIMATED BLOOD LOSS: Total (12 units).


Well, at least Hammersley was honest about the blood loss, for what it’s worth. It breaks the decades-long streak of surgeons carrying out surgeries with EBLs of 50 cc or less.

“I don’t view blood loss as a complication,” Hammersley explained, as she sips a cup of morning joe. “I can still do my job, whether the patient has blood or not. It just might be hard for the patient to live after the surgery, that’s all. Bones are strong and bone marrow is strong too. She’ll be fine.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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