hospital administrator

Hospital Administrators Chastise Emergency, Surgical & Medical Staff for Patient Satisfaction Scores Lagging Behind L&D

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BOCA RATON, FL – Staff from three departments – Emergency, Surgery & Internal Medicine – received scathing criticism from hospital administrators at today’s monthly meeting for allowing their patient satisfaction scores to “lag behind” the near 99% patient satisfaction marks earned by the Labor & Delivery floor.

hospital administrator
“Provide care that is equivalent to bringing a bundle of joy into this world!”

“This is unacceptable” emphasized Chloë Less, Head of Quality Control.  “We went into that meeting determined to figure out why satisfaction scores could be so different between a patient welcoming their first adorable bundle of joy and another patient in the very same hospital who just had a traumatic amputation of both legs after a motor vehicle collision.  Clearly the Emergency, Surgical & Medical staff members aren’t pulling their weight.  Our plan is to find somebody to blame.”

The hospital administrators’ PowerPoint presentation culminated in what Ms. Chloë Less characterized as “the knockout punch” for the 3 criticized departments.  “Our last slide showed us that a hospital pathologist had earned a perfect 5-star online patient satisfaction rating [total survey sample of 2] despite never having interacted with patients.  These are shocking numbers.  And we all know that numbers never lie, and that the customer is always right.”

After the slideshow presentation ended, hospital administrators pressed the Emergency, Surgical & Medical floors to “think outside the box” and to come up with effective strategies to help their satisfaction scores “catch up” with Labor & Delivery.

“We, of course, informed all 3 departments that their staff members will be forced to attend a 16-hour-long remedial Customer Satisfaction Training Workshop, offered on weekends for the sake of convenience,” said Ms. Chloë Less.  “But we wanted to make bold changes, and we were disappointed by the silence in the room.”

Hospital administrators subsequently sprung into action and presented multiple “quality solutions” to augment ER & Med/Surg patient satisfaction scores:

• Initiate an overhead alarm to alert staff in real time when the aggregate patient satisfaction scores drop below 95%.  This system would mimic the national “Terror Level” threat with a complex rainbow color scheme (e.g. magenta would indicate that a patient on the floor was not satisfied with the soup selection from meal trays).

• Offer unlimited lozenges to patients, thereby bypassing the need for the nurse to page the physician at 3:01 AM for lozenge dispensation authorization.

• Dispense “Free Percocet” at strategic locations throughout the hospital campus, preferably near coffee machines on each floor so that the pills could be conveniently crushed & added to beverages.

Cut pay for the nursing staff.  Again.

• Expand the role of the newborn photographer on the Labor & Delivery floor to also take pictures of patients returning from the catheterization lab after massive heart attacks.  Several hospital administrators suggested that the 3 “slacking” departments “follow the lead of Labor & Delivery” in helping patients who are battling life-threatening illnesses/accidents by making “cute little commemorative hand-prints & foot-prints” [except amputees] as keepsakes to take home and “cherish forever in their scrapbooks”

When contacted by GomerBlog for comment, trauma surgeon Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, MD, JD, MBA flatly said, “So now they’re comparing ‘the best day of my life’ to ‘the worst day of my life?’…….. Okay.”

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  • Avatar
    Janet Edwards

    Just remember what the RN really stands for Refreshments and Narcotics

  • Avatar
    Jeanni Day Hardwick

    I don’t think I’ve ever let the Internet get me all butthurt before. And I LOVE gomerblog. But I’d like to send out a big, fat “Fuck you!” To my fellow nurses who think we don’t do real nursing and it’s all rainbows and unicorns in L&D.

  • Avatar
    Jeanni Day Hardwick

    I don’t think I’ve ever let the Internet get me all butthurt before. And I LOVE gomerblog. But I’d like to send out a big, fat “Fuck you!” To my fellow nurses who think we don’t do real nursing and it’s all rainbows and unicorns in L&D.

  • Avatar
    Suzanne Balla Kawakami

    It is all about the numbers now – think we forgot our true mission :{

  • Avatar
    Suzanne Balla Kawakami

    It is all about the numbers now – think we forgot our true mission :{

  • Avatar
    Rob Barber

    We need to focus on creating more clinics…not patient satisfaction….

  • Avatar
    Susan McNicholas Higgins

    This would be funny if I hadn’t just finished my 13 hour shift with a pt who screamed at me and called me lazy because it took me an hour to get him a pillow and a sandwich.

  • Avatar
    Sarah Wilhelm

    This cuts waaaaaay too close to home.

  • Avatar
    Marcia Stevens

    Funny!

  • Avatar
    Joe Maginn

    You sure??? Maybe they just aren’t hitting them hard enough? Better make absolutely sure!

  • Avatar
    Shallun Kathleen

    Haha Karen Simpson.

  • Avatar
    Peter Crowley

    I see a pathologist got a 5 star rating. The dead are so easy to please.

  • Avatar
    Danna Michelle Markides

    So true… Cuts to nursing pay and dispensing of blame from on high is the ONLY way to improve both patient satisfaction AND team morale.

    (Sorry…. Didn’t mean to imply that doctors and nurses working closely together constitute a “team.” That would be unheard of!)

  • Avatar
    Allison Shewmake

    Christina Djabiras

  • Avatar
    David McCormick

    This is so true. I work ER and the only way to improve scores is to have out unlimited supplies of narcotics.

  • Avatar
    Terry N Teresa Rolan

    This one really hits home.

  • Avatar
    Meagan Swan

    Glad to help.

  • Avatar
    Su Won Lee

    Calling Meagan! Hey! Thanks for saving the patient satisfaction scores!

  • Avatar
    Nicole Jenkins

    Aw thanks Gomerblog! A moment of inspiration struck during hour 19 at work :-D

  • Avatar
    Faye Wood

    Start with the patients mind set when they arrive at the hospital. Some departments like ED and surgery start in the hole as compared to L and D where pts are generally happy coming in.

  • Avatar
    Cary Lincycomb York

    True story!

  • Avatar
    Anna Wilson

    Surgery needs to step up. How about free tattoos and piercings while under anesthesia. These are painful procedures and no one should have to suffer. Hey, complimentary with any already scheduled procedure!

  • Avatar
    Shane Tilley

    Extra: nursing staff use hospital administrator for pinata, find out there is no candy.

  • Avatar
    Brenda Cee

    L&D is the Hilton!!

  • Avatar
    Brenda Cee

    Labor and Delivery!!! Hahaha!

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    Where is the double like button

  • Avatar
    Kenneth Latt

    Those satisfaction scores are tool for CMS to steal money from hospitals.

  • Avatar
    Claudia Wood

    Patient satisfaction scores are idiotic ways to evaluate hospitals. They are not Hilton’s And the people who actually do all the work at these hospitals no it. Not the idiots who run them

  • Avatar
    Luke W Lockhart

    When did GomerBlog stop writing satire?

  • Avatar
    Danna Flores

    Hilarious “satire”, but oh so close to reality.

  • Avatar
    Karen Barker McClard

    Connor Biskamp, is this a photo of you???

  • Avatar
    Nicole Largent Cox

    Bahahahahaaa!

  • Avatar
    Victor Gabay

    Why does the term “Press Ganey Survey” immediately come to mind?

  • Avatar
    Joel Christopher Porch

    What is this supposed to be? I thought you guys only wrote satire?

  • Avatar
    Victoria Morgan

    Obviously, the ER staff rns were required to attend the remedial training while being encouraged not to clock in for it. Because that’s a thing too now.

  • Avatar
    Julie Rose

    L&D always has the lowest fall rate and usage of restraints.

  • Avatar
    Clinton Schindler

    Armc Nurses

  • Avatar
    Ann Batson

    So true!

  • Avatar
    Tanya Chrzan

    That’s great!!!

  • Avatar
    Jane Reilly Powers

    Why dont they shadow for a day and see the other side…

  • Avatar
    Christi Hobbs

    Please, add some Ativan to that dispensary as well.

  • Avatar
    Christi Hobbs

    Please, add some Ativan to that dispensary as well.

  • Avatar
    Nicole Jenkins

    I think that the vascular & orthopaedic services should offer hand / foot prints prior to amputation for the patient to take home as a keep sake. Also the L&D photographer could follow the patient to the OR where they could photograph the surgeon cuddling said amputated appendage.

  • Avatar
    Nicole Jenkins

    I think that the vascular & orthopaedic services should offer hand / foot prints prior to amputation for the patient to take home as a keep sake. Also the L&D photographer could follow the patient to the OR where they could photograph the surgeon cuddling said amputated appendage.

  • Avatar
    Chase Taylor

    Nail on the head. Closer to hopsital administration than some may think.

  • Avatar
    Chase Taylor

    Nail on the head. Closer to hopsital administration than some may think.

  • Avatar
    MPie Jay

    This is great

  • Avatar
    MPie Jay

    This is great

  • Avatar
    Emm Jay Jeter

    MPie Jay

  • Avatar
    Emm Jay Jeter

    MPie Jay

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