doctors and surgeons yelling

Report from ACP Internal Medicine Conference: Record Attendance by Internists Leaves Surgeons Struggling to Manage Normotension, Euglycemia

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BOSTON, MAGomerBlog is on hand to report that a record number of internists and hospitalists have attended this year’s American College of Physicians (ACP) Internal Medicine Conference 2015 in Boston.  Though this is wonderful news for the world of internal medicine, especially on the 100th anniversary of the ACP, surgeons worldwide have been left behind struggling to manage difficult conditions like normotension and euglycemia.

doctors and surgeons yelling“Why am I to do?!” cried general surgeon Thomas X. Lap, as he watched his patient with no history of hypertension remain stable with normal blood pressures.  “I need an internist, a hospitalist, someone to cover my pager at night!”

“This is beyond my scope of knowledge,” said orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley, performing hourly blood glucose checks on a euglycemic patient.  “Should I check an ECG or an echo?  Maybe I should just transfer him to the ICU so they can write a note.”

In addition to normotension and euglycemia, surgeons are distressed over temperatures of 37 degrees Celsius, heart rates ranging between 60 and 100, and oxygen levels dropping to 99%.  Since the start of the conference on April 29, zero medication reconciliations have been performed by primary surgical teams nationwide.

Though some internists, hospitalists, and other internal medicine subspecialists have come to the ACP Internal Medicine Conference to increase their fund of knowledge and get up to speed on topics ranging from novel anticoagulants and new FDA-approved medications to social media and health policy, most have really shown up to stock up on pens, more pens, and other free crap, even if at it’s the expense of deserting their surgical colleagues.

“I don’t even know what this is,” said internist James Longnote, holding up a free plastic thingamajig made by some company that does something related to medicine somehow.  “Who cares?  It’s free!  I’ll never use it but it’s free and that’s all that matters!”

Surgical colleagues plan to welcome back their internal medicine and hospital medicine colleagues with open arms, but after a 24-hour honeymoon period will return back to normal and resume calling their bogus consults.  Until then, surgeons will just have to manage.

CALL A CODE!!!” screamed urologist Peter Tinkles, his patient’s white blood cell (WBC) count skyrocketing from 6.2 to 6.9.  “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE NEED A DOCTOR!!!

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  • Avatar
    Ale Sauceda

    Juan Colli

  • Avatar
    Todd V Prier

    How am I to know when they are at the hospital or when they are not? The amount of input is the same

  • Avatar
    Ian Dubya

    I bet no one got called about a foley catheter that weekend

  • Avatar
    Lisa Barber

    YIKES!! did they even know what the terms meant?

  • Avatar
    Stephanie Istenesova Cody

    Sadly so true…:))) made me laugh this early morning!

  • Avatar
    Nancy El Sonbaty Marshall

    “Since the start of the conference on April 29, zero medication reconciliations have been performed by primary surgical teams nationwide.” Bahaha!

  • Avatar
    Matthias Muenzer

    no worries, I ams ending everybody to the ER until they come back!

  • Avatar
    Nawar Wakkaf

    haha

  • Avatar
    Mohammed Nabhan

    Nawar Wakkaf

  • Avatar
    Kristin Nelson

    Nate Schneider

  • Avatar
    Alfant Gomez

    Haha!

  • Avatar
    Marilyn Smith

    Truth!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Olivia Jones

    It’s funny because it’s true.

  • Avatar
    Olivia Jones

    Haha! Yup.

  • Avatar
    Michael Kennedy

    Six attendees died of appendicitis by the weekend, however.

  • Avatar
    Ellen Deffenbaugh

    Perfect. I asked Plastics to order a maintenance fluid on a 24hr wait listed NPO pt, and they deferred to medicine! (D5 1/2 NS + 20K-just picK a rate, or let me! LOL!)

  • Avatar
    Deborah White

    Amy Zuber
    Shelley Richelson Stein
    Louis Stein
    I don’t work in hospital anymore thank God!

  • Avatar
    Erica Ryberg Bruen

    Amy Fishburn Teresa D

  • Avatar
    Genghis Fong

    Hey as a surgeon I just wanna ask, what’s that thing he’s sticking in his ear? Can’t be good for you!

  • Avatar
    Constanza Florestano

    Christian Von Mühlenbrock P. Jajajajajaja

  • Avatar
    Darcie Gorman

    Erica Ryberg Bruen Christopher Lynch

  • Avatar
    Ashlea McLeod

    Patients will have to just stay in the hospital indefinitely because there’s no one around to call social services to find a bed. Bingo, hospital’s full. Must divert all other admissions to another hospital. Good news for everyone! :)

  • Avatar
    Melissa Thompson

    Omg. This is so funny

  • Avatar
    Steven Ognibene

    Sounds totally accurate.

  • Avatar
    Gretchen Browne

    Melissa Olivia Yufei :-)

  • Avatar
    Khalid Manzoor

    Oh crap. Who’s going to run a rapid response for their toenail fungus?

  • Avatar
    Andrea Read

    Love my surgeon friends!

  • Avatar
    Lior Bibas

    Dan BG TranRobert Avram lolz

  • Avatar
    Aaron Harper

    Hahaha…snort…haha!!!

  • Avatar
    Hani Badi

    Jimmy Varghese

  • Avatar
    Audrey Maminta

    Dead on. Who’s going to resume their Claritin?

  • Avatar
    Lindsay King Crews

    Hilarious!!!! The best one yet!

  • Avatar
    HeisenbergHattie

    LOL “Dr Peter Tinkles”

  • Avatar
    HeisenbergHattie

    “CALL A CODE!!!” screamed urologist Peter Tinkles, his patient’s white blood cell (WBC) count skyrocketing from 6.2 to 6.9.

  • Avatar
    Alicia D. Fagan

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL

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