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NASA Plans to Build a Skilled Nursing Facility on Mars

Dr. Smartforagirl
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NASA Plans to Build a Skilled Nursing Facility on Mars

MERRITT ISLAND, FL – Scientists have been planning a human mission to Mars for exploration and habitation for decades.  Successful travel to and habitation of Mars would be a monumental accomplishment for science, physics, and huge source of national pride.  However, these tremendously costly plans have been scrutinized for their practicality, since billions of dollars put towards this endeavor will not directly benefit society.

marssurface
Proposed site of new SNF

Economists, scientists, and hospital administrators have teamed up in the new coalition, “Discharge to Mars.”  The mission of travel to the red planet takes a drastic turn to a more practical and tangible objective.  The basic principle will be to discharge the otherwise complex and difficult patient to a skilled nursing facility (or SNF) on Mars.

This may include patients without insurance, patients who’s family is not willing to provide assistance with home care, patients who need long term IV antibiotics and therapy, patients who continually readmit to the hospital, patient’s with incurable and complicated or uninteresting diseases, patients who are allergic to all narcotics other than Dilaudid, and patient’s who simply don’t want to be discharged home.

The 5,000 bed SNF would include a state of the art PT/OT gym for the 30 minutes of required daily therapy, Olympic-sized swimming pool heated to 294 Kelvin, and licensed physicians available by Mars Skype 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with only a 36 hour video chat lag.

The new plans have drawn quite a buzz in hospital circles, and physicians have already begun to submit their nominations for pilot patients to the coalition.  “I’ve been saying we should put Mr. Brown on a rocketship to Mars for months!” exclaimed neurologist Dr. Bruce Greenik about his chronic autoimmune degenerative disease patient.

Hospitalist Dr. Elizabeth Burnt nominated 3 of her own patients, one with chronic pancreatitis who bounces from SNF to home to the ER constantly, one patient with COPD and monthly ICU admissions, and one uninsured homeless patient admitted for dehydration who has been admitted for 167 days and counting while Medicaid is processing for his discharge.

Some concern has been raised about the one-way nature of the flight plans, since a return flight plan does meet the economic standards set by the coalition.  Economist John Grey explains that the one way nature of the plans “increases the statistical likelihood of success, and allows the project to move forward faster.”  Dr. Abigail Polzner, a emergency medicine specialist at Henry Ford, endorses the one way plan as a benefit, indicating that the definitive nature of the discharge is “not just a small step for hospitals and doctors, but a giant leap for the health care system.”

The first mission, MARS SNF ONE, is planned for 2018.  Careful planning and rigorous timetables have been set to accomplish this ambitious launch.  Although the projected date is several years in the future, physician’s are confident their currently nominated patients will still be eligible for the mission in 2018.

81 COMMENTS

  8. Why not set up a colony on the moon right now, while still working on the Mars project? There are probably enough patient candidates to make both feasible. And any problems could be worked out at the Moon prototype so the whole project could move along faster.

  14. Fantastic! I can think of a few nurses that can go there to work. Somehow our ER will still be the “closest medical facility” when they need to come back.

  28. Jessica Arner, The government and the Joint Commission. I just want to get back to the business of taking care of patients, people. There is so much pressure on nurses to get good surveys and meeting door to doc times and decision to admit times , and scripting what we say to people/ patients the staff are trying to meet these goals and patient care is turning into assembly line care. Not why I became a nurse.

  35. that’s nuts!!!! Why send anyone who’s ill into space?! Let alone on a stupidly long, arguably tortuous, journey so far as to Mars, so that they’re unlikely even to survive the time it takes to get there? What crack-pot dreamt this up???

  62. I almost can’t enjoy this brilliance with all the “patients” and “patient’s” Make up your mind. — do it properly or stick with ignorance but be consistent, lol

  70. This is wonderful. The only thing that would make it more enjoyable is editing, particularly for proper use of apostrophes and possessive pronouns. I’ve had many patients over the years for whom this would have been a terrific option. The thought of sending them to Mars makes my day.

  77. I agree with Angela, can we nominate staff…and maybe a supervisor or two?..Omg, I even know a few physicians I feel could be “convinced” to go. So excited, going to start working on a list now! Will keep the list handy, as I am sure random people will present themselves throughout the day.

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