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Arrival heptopods orthopods Louise Banks
“Louise… My name is Louise…”

MONTANA – After playing a critical role in deciphering the language of the alien squid-like heptopods as chronicled in last year’s real-life documentary Arrival, world-renowned linguist and heroine Dr. Louise Banks takes on her most challenging task yet: learning the language of orthopods.

“In only a matter of months, Dr. Banks was able to unlock and understand the language of the heptopods and, in the process, save our planet from a doomsday scenario through the process of communication, with ourselves and them,” explained Dr. Nitin Damle, MS, MACP, President of the American College of Physicians (ACP).  “If there is one person who can crack the code of those unintelligible grunts and wordless progress notes of these orthopods, it’s her.”

In their first meeting, Damle presented Banks with an audio recording of orthopods speaking in their habitat: the weight room.  Banks was visibly aghast.  “The series of low-pitched reverberations and guttural noises certainly resembles that of the alien heptopods,” Banks surmised.  She was unsettled by the fact these orthopods are in fact humans.  “I need to see them in their natural environment.”

Banks was granted access.  With her team in tow, she would enter the orthopod’s operating room (OR) every 18 hours, the only time when the orthopods weren’t playing with hammers or weights and could open the door.  In protective gear to help shield her from the sub-zero operating room temperatures, she began interaction.  “Louise… My name’s Louise…”  She tried to write simple English words on a small marker board.  The orthopods looked at her with blank stares.

Banks was shown examples of orthopod progress notes.  She looked at them in silence, clearly more befuddled than any of the alien circular squid-ink images projected by the heptopods.  “Orthopods don’t seem to have any grasp of a written language.  I mean, look at this note: it’s written in crayon.  They don’t strike me as intelligent beings.  At least the aliens had good penmanship.”

“This situation is not dissimilar to when the aliens made first contact,” explained Damle, who remains patient, confident that Banks will succeed.  “If it takes years, so be it.  We want to know who they are, why they love bones so much, and why they keep consulting Medicine all the time.”

On behalf of everyone on the Gomerblog team and in health care, Dr. Louise Banks, please, PLEASE help us!

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.