MUNICH, GERMANY – Lord Lockwell was recently discovered in the Bavarian Alps near the German-Switzerland border in a small town called Konstanz. Due to great scientific advances in thawing, cloning, and re-animation of woolly mammoths by Russian and Korean scientists, the Germans were able to save this historical figure. On March 14, 1391, Lord Lockwell was hiking in the Alps “to just get away from it all” when a massive avalanche occurred. Covering Lord Lockwell and preserving his body until recently when a warm winter thawed the ice cap and locals reported “human toes” poking through the snow.
The next thing Lockwell remembered was waking up in the University of Munich science department’s fourth floor lab. “What a national treasure!” Johaness Geringer, the lead scientist, on the project stated. “We marveled at what a scientific wonder this man was, but you can’t keep him locked up here forever.”
The team studied him for months and educated him on the modern German language. Great progress was occurring but eventually the University gave in to the protests and forced the team to let him go. “We put him up in an apartment downtown and helped him find work,” Geringer said.
Lord Lockwell was disappointed to learn all of his serfs and land, had now been appropriated. “I worked hard to be born in nobility. To wake up after a walk in the Alps, only to learn it has all gone away, well that was a shocker!” Lord Lockwell said.
Unfortunately for Lockwell when modern Germany formed they invalidated all previous land rights. “After being saved it was just bad news followed by bad news. Just put me back in the Alps for another 500 years!”
As fate would have it, only after everything was stripped from this once prominent medieval doctor, an opportunity arose. Neighbor, friend, and local lawyer Franz Weindl found an old German law stating physicians practicing prior to April 16, 1918 are “grandfathered-in” and wouldn’t need to take the German Medical Boards for certification. Six months after the scientific discovery Dr. Lockwell reestablished his practice.
Lord Lockwell was highly coveted by a local practice, primarily to claim the practice had been in existence since 1385. Dr. Fiedler, one of Dr. Lockwell’s new partners is starting to become concerned.
“Well, at first we had to catch him up on modern medicine and all of the changes over the last 530 years. Guidelines change yearly so it isn’t that odd for physicians to re-learn everything. But, to be honest, he only had experience with the plague.” Dr. Fiedler was referring to the Europe’s biggest epidemic which occurred during Lord Lockwell’s time, also known as the Black Death.
“He prescribes a LOT of bloodletting. Sinusitis? Bloodletting. Back pain? Bloodletting. Rash? More bloodletting. If a patient had 2-3 problems they would walk out a full shade lighter,” Fiedler said. Dr. Lockwell was put on administrative leave for 3 months, assigned the past 10 years of JAMA and New England Journal of Medicine.
“You know I’ve read the evidence and couldn’t find much out there about the practice of bloodletting. I couldn’t find a single article to say bloodletting is a detrimental treatment as my partners imply,” Lord Lockwell told reporters. “In fact, bloodletting is the ‘gold standard’ for many diseases like hemochromatosis and polycythemia vera, to name a few.” Dr. Lockwell went on to suggest perhaps these “treatments” could be expanded to other areas. “I just feel a good bloodletting is what my patients need. That’s how I was trained and that is how I’m going to practice.”
