Friday, February 5, 2021

Internal Medicine

Patient With No Past Medical History Has Sternotomy Scar, Central Line, G-tube

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An area emergency room physician was stunned today when his patient, a 4 year old boy whose parents denied any medical history, was found to have a well-healed sternotomy scar on examination. "Imagine my surprise...
angry patient

Physicians can now legally ghost patients

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New York, New York- In an exciting turn of events congress has recently passed bill 151, also known as “the ghost law”. After much heated deliberation with strong consideration from physicians from petitions, bill...

General Practitioner Pilots Rewards Program for Chronic Patients

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SEATTLE, WA - Dr. Samuel Sheepman, a general practitioner at Wortley Medical Clinic, has created a new frequent flyer rewards program for chronic illness patients. “For example, say we have a patient with fibromyalgia. For...

Desperate Officials Offer Deal to Twentysomethings: If You Wear a Mask, You Can Ditch...

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BEAR, DE—In an admirable attempt to incentivize mask-wearing amongst America’s twentysomethings, who are thought to be driving the summer resurgence of Covid-19 due to a callous disregard for CDC recommendations, health officials have offered...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

Tired of Its Advice Being Ignored, CDC Kicks America Out of Its Practice

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ATLANTA, GA—Frustrated that no one is listening to their Covid-19 recommendations, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) announced today that it had no choice but to kick the American public out of...

The Latest Fashion Trend for the Fall: Chin Hammocks

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The fall is here and with it, comes the latest fashion trends for the coolest and hippest of people of the world: those who are immune not only to a virus but also to...

Ass**** Novel Coronavirus waiting to mutate until vaccine has been developed

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Scientists discover that the novel Corona virus is more of a prick than they had originally thought. It’s viral machinery, although devoid of any identifiable “nervous tissue” or “brain” has apparently developed the ability...

Song of the Diverticulite (Morphine on High at 3am)

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All the bickering of which is best The song, the canvass, the word, the marbled stone, The rest Pittance such luxury Lacking any test Pittance yes! Void of existential quest Ver-Sed, Ver-Sed Who maketh thee? Who taketh thee And Sedateth me? Who bends me forward to hit...

Dr. Fauci announces retirement from NIAID to become Major League Baseball Pitching Coach

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Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, announced this morning that he will be stepping down from his position effective immediately. "I have not come to...
meatball sub

New Extreme weight loss surgery: total gastric intestinal bypass

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All that “digestion and absorption is so overrated” Weight loss surgery has gained popularity, although success rates are no where near 100%. Patients have been asking for more effective types of weight loss surgeries, especially...