Arrival heptopods orthopods Louise Banks

“Arrival” Heroine, Dr. Louise Banks, Tries to Decipher Wordless Language of Orthopods

MONTANA - After playing a critical role in deciphering the language of the alien squid-like heptopods as chronicled in last year's real-life documentary Arrival, world-renowned linguist and heroine Dr. Louise Banks takes on her...
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American Nurses Association Approves Call Lights with Lockout Intervals

SILVER SPRING, MD - In an effort to bolster nursing satisfaction, the American Nurses Association (ANA) have unanimously approved the replacement of current call lights with new and improved call lights with lockout intervals. "Nurses...
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Makers of Dilaudid to Officially Change Name to “That One That Starts with a...

WASHINGTON, DC - In a stunning move the makers of Dilaudid (hydromorphone) have officially changed their product name to “That One That Starts with a D.”  The move comes about as lawmakers attempt to...
constipation

Joint Commission Creates New “Primary Constipation Center” Certification

OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL - On Monday, the Joint Commission unveiled its new certification aimed at the rapid treatment of constipation. "Constipation affects nearly 4 million Americans and accounts for about $7 billion in health care...
doctors lent

What Are Health Care Professionals Giving Up for Lent (By Specialty)?

General Surgeon: Evidence-based medicine.  “Oh, your tummy hurts?  Well, let’s open you up and take a look, shall we?” Emergency Medicine: Dilaudid.  The screams will be deafening. Cardiologist: Stethoscopes.  If you can’t hear heart sounds without...
Warren Beauty Oscars anesthesia

Warren Beatty, La La Land Blame Oscar Best Picture Mix-Up on Anesthesia

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In a stunning and unprecedented finish to the Oscars last night, presenters Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway had announced "La La Land" as winner of Best Picture.  But during the "La La...
fullest code

Patient to be “Fullest Code Possible”

KEARNEY, NE - In what should not be considered abnormal in our day and age, the family of Billy Rubin demanded that the 89-year-old resident of a local SNF and frequent flier at Kind...
gauze

Mildly Annoyed Surgeon Throws 4×4 Gauze Across Operating Room

KEOKUK, IA – According to reports from Mercy Hospital, local general surgeon Greg McKelvey became so mildly frustrated by the OR staff, that he threw a single 4 x 4-inch piece of gauze across the operating...
gauze for abscess

Scented Packing Gauze Makes Abscesses Fresh and Fun

PROVIDENCE, RI - The field of wound care is taking note of a new line of whimsically-scented wound packing products pioneered by Quintac Hospital.  After a promising pilot program with a cinnamon prototype, medical...

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