American Medical School announced today that it will no longer charge students tuition, but will instead bill for individual limbs.
“Two arms for the classroom years, and two legs for the clinical years,” one mathematically inclined administrator explained. “This just makes sense.”
The school has yet to work out specifics of the plan, but details regarding limb extraction and white coat sizing alterations are said to be forthcoming. In the meantime, various school officials have set about explaining the decision.
“Our students are fortunate just to be attending medical school. They should be happy to give up their arms and legs for this wonderful opportunity,” proclaimed Dr. A. P. Endage, the Dean of Ridiculous Quotations at AMS.
Students at the school appear mixed on the announcement.
“It’s nice that I won’t have to pay tuition anymore,” says Jane Stubs, a college student who will be matriculating in August. “But I’m going to really miss my arms.”
Rick Porman, a senior student quipped, “I’m just glad that I’m almost done. Fourth year would have been misery on one leg.”
For those individuals entering surgical fields, the school is offering a flexible payment plan through which students are allowed to keep one arm in exchange for either their first-born son or daughter. For those without children, the school is also considering a plan in which students work for resident salaries indefinitely upon graduation and wear chains around their torsos at all times while on hospital premises.
“The cost of educating medical students is rising, and we’re on the front lines of addressing that cost with this innovative approach,” Dr. Endage states.
Dr. Phat Kat, the Dean of Catered Lunches, concurs. “There are 47 deans here at American. We simply can’t afford to have meetings all day without making adjustments to our tuition structure.”
Still, not all are in agreement. One private practice physician who wished to remain anonymous questioned the wisdom of forcing students to choose between becoming physicians and keeping their limbs.
“It jus seems kind of shi**y,” he says.
It remains to be seen whether other schools will follow the lead of AMS. Regardless of the path that other institutions take, it’s undeniable that the cost of educating medical students is increasing. Schools will need to respond if they are to continue recklessly expanding the size of their administrations, subsidizing research for non-teaching faculty, and commissioning needless redesigns of their academic curriculum. The future of medical education no doubt depends on it.
