ATLANTA, GA – After a recent infographic caused a stir by revealing what happens to the human body within the first hour of drinking Coca-Cola (also known as Coke), Coca-Cola was left no choice but to reveal what happens to the human body one hour after drinking a can of Pepsi. You sure guessed it, it’s not pretty.
“You think drinking Coke is bad, then watch out for Pepsi,” said Coca-Cola spokesperson Jonathan Sweet whose blood sugars currently range from 230 to 390. “Coke is an absolute blessing compared to Pepsi. Now excuse me while I give myself some insulin.”
This is how Coca-Cola breaks down the body’s reaction to Pepsi:
0 to 10 minutes:
One million pounds of sugar floods the body, effectively eroding your teeth and bones within minutes. Though Coca-Cola may give you a mild sugar rush, Pepsi causes generalized tonic-clonic seizures, heart attacks, and herpes. Seek medical attention immediately.
10 to 20 minutes:
Congratulations, you have new-onset diabetes! Your pancreas gives up due to the onslaught of sugar and shuts down insulin production, effectively making you insulin-dependent for life. Sure, Coca-Cola might give you diabetes, but Pepsi definitely does.
20 to 30 minutes:
If you’re having a headache and palpitations, that’s due to your new diagnoses of hypertension and atrial fibrillation! Thank Pepsi for the toxic levels of caffeine overloading your heart and circulatory system. There might even be some cocaine in it. Though you think you’re probably dying, you are in fact right: you are probably dying. Again, if you haven’t already done so, seek medical attention quickly. Pepsi is lethal!
30 to 40 minutes:
Why are you so happy despite the process of dying? It’s all the dopamine. And heroin. You heard us right. Pepsi is laced full of heroin. I know! Can you believe it? It’s shocking really. Can’t believe they didn’t tell you and that we had to break the news.
40 to 50 minutes:
Pepsi’s diuretic properties kick in. But it doesn’t cause you to just pee urine. No, of course not. Pepsi causes you to exsanguinate by peeing out blood. That’s right, Pepsi causes hemorrhagic urine production and lots of it. Coca-Cola would never do that because bloody urine is bad. Very bad. Soda should be refreshing, not bloody.
50 to 60 minutes:
Things start quieting down. That’s because the Pepsi has caused metastatic cancer. Have you thought about hospice? Or at least becoming DNR? Take the time to talk it over with your family and friends. Sure, Coca-Cola can give you a sugar crash an hour after consumption, but at least we don’t give you a terminal illness like Pepsi. Bad Pepsi.
GomerBlog asked Sweet if these findings were based on fact or just made up in order to bring down a major rival. Unfortunately, Sweet was not available for further comment as he has been peeing straight for twelve hours. Rumors state that Sweet was heard screaming through the bathroom walls, “It burns, it burns, my urethra is burning!!!”