WASHINGTON, DC – With the completion of Super Bowl XLIX so too ends the weekend of Super Bowl parties, celebrations, and unhealthy eating. It is estimated that our nation of 300 million people is collectively 3 billion pounds over their dry weight, so the message to health care practitioners this coming post-Super Bowl week is very, very clear: Time to bear down and diurese the sh*t out of everyone.
“We’re not talking oral Lasix or even 40 to 60 mg of Lasix,” said cardiologist Steven Reynolds. “No no, we’re talking high-dose Lasix and Lasix drip time. We’re talking metolazone and chlorothiazide time. We’re talking Foleys left and right. It’s about peein’ round-the-clock. Say goodbye to your kidneys, we’re gonna shrivel ‘em up BIG time!”
Newly appointed Surgeon General Vivek Murthy recommends bypassing patient history and examination completely and just prescribing high-dose Lasix. No need for daily weights, electrocardiograms (ECGs), chest x-rays (CXRs), or BNP (BNP) levels either.
“I’ve taken a lot of histories after Super Bowls,” said Murthy in a statement released earlier today. “Patients either admit to overeating or are lying to your face completely. Everyone, I repeat, EVERYONE is volume overloaded. I say, whoever walks through that door gets Lasix 200 mg IV twice daily for a week. We can worry about kidneys, cramps, and hearing loss later. We must help our fellow Americans, so diurese the living sh*t out of ‘em!”
Pharmaceutical companies are working with numerous agencies to help disseminate diuretics in the most effective way possible. Grocery stores, gas stations, and local water supplies will start carrying high-dose Lasix. Firefighters will spray down the overloaded with the help of fire hoses and helicopter buckets. Even U.S. military transport planes, particularly C-17s and C-130s, will be enlisted to start airdropping Lasix balloons over cities across the country.
President Obama and both parties echoed Murthy’s sentiments regarding the crisis on hand.