Breaking: CPR Requires Prior Authorization
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In breaking news that will infinitely complicate the already difficult process of attempting to resuscitate a patient, cardiopulmonary resuscitation (or CPR) will now require prior authorization.
The prevailing reaction to this news...
Pioneering Surgeon Performs World’s First Open Laparoscopy
BOSTON, MA - A major breakthrough took place today as a general surgeon at the Massachusetts Generalizable Hospital performed and successfully completed the world's first open laparoscopy.
"Today is a milestone day for the field...
CDC: Talking About Scabies Can Give You Scabies
ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has some unfortunate news for everyone: Talking about scabies can actually give you scabies.
"You know how just talking about scabies makes you want...
New Incentivized Spirometers to Pay $50 Per Deep Breath
ATLANTA, GA – In an effort to better encourage patients to do their breathing exercises, a newly-designed incentivized spirometer will pay patients $50 per deep breath - that's right: cold, hard, cash - including...
Breaking: Code Team Pushes tPA to Lyse Clogged Toilet
DURHAM, NC - Acknowledging they were within the 4.5-hour window since symptom onset and had no other clear alternatives, a Code Team at Duke University Hospital pushed tPA in the hopes of lysing the clogged...
Med Student Struggling to Fit C-Collar onto Woman’s Cervix
BALTIMORE, MD - A first-year medical student at The Hoppin’ Johns University is struggling to place a woman's cervix into a C-collar this morning.
"You plan to do what with that?" asked patient Heather Hansard,...
Doctor Dies After Lifelong Battle with Credentialing Process
DURHAM, NC - Gomerblog is saddened to report that infectious diseases physician, Dr. Ella Mering, has died after finally succumbing to a lifelong battle with her hospital's credentialing process. She was 39 years...
Breaking: NASA Finds Parallel Universe Containing All Our Missing Pens
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has discovered all of the missing pens ever lost by health care professionals, stating they're located in a newly-discovered parallel universe, Gomerblog reports.
"No one...
New Apgar(t) Score to Check Troponins 1 & 5 Minutes After Birth
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) is modifying the Apgar score to an Apgar(t) score in which troponins will be checked on a newborn infant both 1 and 5...
Anesthesia Goes on the Offensive & Blames Everybody Else
SCHAUMBURG, IL - Throwing away the old blueprint of simply accepting the blame, Anesthesia has opened up a brand new playbook and is going all out on the offensive, blaming every else in medicine.
"F**K...