arterial line circle of willis CPR emergency department butthurt audacity code shift change prior authorization otherwise stable

Breaking: CPR Requires Prior Authorization

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - In breaking news that will infinitely complicate the already difficult process of attempting to resuscitate a patient, cardiopulmonary resuscitation (or CPR) will now require prior authorization. The prevailing reaction to this news...
open laparoscopy above-the-nipples

Pioneering Surgeon Performs World’s First Open Laparoscopy

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BOSTON, MA - A major breakthrough took place today as a general surgeon at the Massachusetts Generalizable Hospital performed and successfully completed the world's first open laparoscopy. "Today is a milestone day for the field...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC: Talking About Scabies Can Give You Scabies

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ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has some unfortunate news for everyone: Talking about scabies can actually give you scabies. "You know how just talking about scabies makes you want...
incentive spirometer incentivized spirometer

New Incentivized Spirometers to Pay $50 Per Deep Breath

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ATLANTA, GA – In an effort to better encourage patients to do their breathing exercises, a newly-designed incentivized spirometer will pay patients $50 per deep breath - that's right: cold, hard, cash - including...
beginning runners pages tPA

Breaking: Code Team Pushes tPA to Lyse Clogged Toilet

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DURHAM, NC - Acknowledging they were within the 4.5-hour window since symptom onset and had no other clear alternatives, a Code Team at Duke University Hospital pushed tPA in the hopes of lysing the clogged...
C-collar cervical collar neck brace

Med Student Struggling to Fit C-Collar onto Woman’s Cervix

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BALTIMORE, MD - A first-year medical student at The Hoppin’ Johns University is struggling to place a woman's cervix into a C-collar this morning. "You plan to do what with that?" asked patient Heather Hansard,...
"Mostly useless!" credentialing process

Doctor Dies After Lifelong Battle with Credentialing Process

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DURHAM, NC - Gomerblog is saddened to report that infectious diseases physician, Dr. Ella Mering, has died after finally succumbing to a lifelong battle with her hospital's credentialing process. She was 39 years...
parallel universe missing pens

Breaking: NASA Finds Parallel Universe Containing All Our Missing Pens

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has discovered all of the missing pens ever lost by health care professionals, stating they're located in a newly-discovered parallel universe, Gomerblog reports. "No one...
APGAR 10 Apgart Apgar(t) troponin troponins

New Apgar(t) Score to Check Troponins 1 & 5 Minutes After Birth

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) is modifying the Apgar score to an Apgar(t) score in which troponins will be checked on a newborn infant both 1 and 5...
Smug Anesthesiologist blames everybody

Anesthesia Goes on the Offensive & Blames Everybody Else

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SCHAUMBURG, IL - Throwing away the old blueprint of simply accepting the blame, Anesthesia has opened up a brand new playbook and is going all out on the offensive, blaming every else in medicine. "F**K...