Saturday, June 6, 2020

Internal Medicine

Medical Journals Abandon Editorial Standards to Publish 5th Grader’s Book Report

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In an unprecedented move medical journals across academia have done away with quality requirements to make data available to physicians on the frontlines as quickly as possible. It began with the International Journal of...

Dr. Oz’s Show Set to Return After Study Says His Advice Will Only Kill...

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NEW YORK, NY—Dr. Oz’s self-titled talk show, which sadly has been on hiatus due to the coronavirus pandemic, is set to resume tapings immediately after a study in The Lancet concluded that the misinformation...

Coronavirus Tests Positive for Joe Exotic

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CHICKASHA, OK—Joe Exotic cannot be stopped. The self-proclaimed “Tiger King,” country musician, master illusionist, former Presidential and gubernatorial candidate, and gun-toting redneck simply cannot be stopped. Not by animal rights activists, not by prison,...
bacteria

Mystery of Appendix Solved: A Private Space for Horny Bacteria to “Get It On”

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INSIDE YOUR APPENDIX—Admit it, when you place your stethoscope (that is, if you even own one) on a patient’s abdomen, you don’t really keep it there long enough to hear bowel sounds, right? Well,...

Covid-19: Newly Released “Contagion 2” Gives People Much-Needed Escape from Reality

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HOLLYWOOD, CA—Understanding that Americans desperately need an escape from the non-stop, grim Covid-19 news, Steven Soderbergh, who directed the very popular 2011 original, announced the surprise release of “Contagion 2: Holy Crap, We’re All...

Ortho ORIF’s a Calcified Aorta

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Toronto, ON - In a world first, Dr. Chipper has carried out what we’re cautiously calling a successful open reduction and internal fixation (ORIF) of the aorta. The patient, 58-year-old Joe Paulson was booked for...

German Scientists develops safe, effective tool to remove gerbils from rectums

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Oslo, Norway - An advancement that has been heralded as a boon for animal rights and paraphilia aficionados everywhere was recently unveiled at the Ideas and Innovations Expert Panel at the European...

BREAKING: Kim Jong-un Not Quite as Dead as His Surgeon Will Soon Be

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Pyongyang, North Korea - Reports have been coming out that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un's health is in grave danger after a cardiac procedure. Allegedly, the anus-free Dictator allegedly had a...
orthopedic surgeon orthopedics orthopaedics

Orthopods Now Offering Virtual Bro-fit Classes

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Chicago, IL - Orthopaedists always figured their specialty was science-proof. "One day we will have a cure for heart disease, and the cure for cancer, but we will never have the cure for stupidity,"...
confused doctor

Nervous American Doctors Refusing to See Patients Who’ve Been to America Recently

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NEW YORK, NY—At the height of the Ebola epidemic in 2014, medical offices in America constantly asked patients if they’d recently traveled to Africa, declining to see those who had. Similarly, with the novel...
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