Internal Medicine

bunk bed

Family Admits That Putting Grandma in the Top Bunk was Probably a Bad Idea

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BROOKLYN, NY - After thinking back on the events that had transpired over the past week, the family of 98-year-old Bertha Schwartz, who presented...
easter egg hunt human orifices

Record Number of Drug Seekers Expected for Annual Easter Dilaudid Hunt

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BALDWIN, NY - The Easter Dilaudid Hunt at Baldwin Medical Center (BMC) is going all out.  This weekend, 30,000 drug seekers are expected to...

New STOP ACLS Algorithm Proven to Reduce Hospital Costs and Readmissions

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JOPLIN, MO - New ACLS guidelines have been published that are anticipated to completely revolutionize the care given to patients in cardiac arrest.  "The...

Guy on Motorcycle Looking Forward to Donating His Organs

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CALIFORNIA – Harris Jasper, a 3-year rider of a Kawasaki Ninja, or crotch rocket, told friends and family that this year would likely be the year...
Ensure Keg

In Response to High Demand, Ensure Now Available in Keg Form

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LAKE BLUFF, IL - You spoke and they listened: Abbott Laboratories, maker of nutritional supplements, has announced that their product Ensure is now available...

COVID-19 Study: 90% of Americans Said “But I Feel Fine” Before Testing Positive

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BETHESDA, MD - In a new study published in the Diary of the American Medical Association (DAMA), researchers found that 90% of U.S. patients...

Physician Recruitment Ad Statements and What They Really Mean

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Ad text Actual meaning Established medical center is a state of the art, modern, newly renovated hospital   The MRI works 12 hours out of the week, and...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC: Talking About Scabies Can Give You Scabies

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ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has some unfortunate news for everyone: Talking about scabies can actually give you...
anti vaccine brain

Mutations in the Anti-Vaxxers’ Brain Discovered

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Scientists have made a major breakthrough in understanding the brain functions of anti-vaccine proponents (anti-vaxxers).  Mutations in the Y74 gene encode for these transformations.  Environmental...
emr

IT Department to design new, creative ways to lock you out of your EMR...

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Regional Samaritan Hospital; Kearney NE. After a long meeting of the IT department at RSH, Jay Koh, VP of Information Technology announced that new...