Internal Medicine

meatball sub

Search-and-Rescue Spots Man’s Penis Under Fourth Panniculus

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CHICAGO, IL - Gomerblog has some exciting news to report: 59-year-old Fred Turntable is crying tears of joy this morning after he was reunited...
patient in hospital NPO after discharge

Tips: How to Worsen Your Already-Terrible Bedside Manner

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You may find your bedside manner is pretty terrible given how busy you are and your general frustration with humanity as a whole.  If...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

Wow, That’s Bold: CDC Says ‘Zero People’ Will Catch the Flu This Year

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ATLANTA, GA - Exuding tremendous confidence, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has announced that it plans on pitching a no-hitter this...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Reminder: ‘Sleep Tight and Definitely Do Not Let the Bed Bugs Bite’

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ATLANTA, GA - Tonight, shortly after reading the public a bedtime story, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) wanted to say "Good night!"...
tuning fork tuning spoon tuning knife

Neurologist Wondering Where She Put Her Tuning Spoon & Tuning Knife

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DURHAM, NC - This past November, neurologist Adrianna Phelps was forced to improvise and use a tuning fork to eat her Caesar salad.  Ever...

New DSM to Classify Hearing Diastolic Murmur as an Auditory Hallucination

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DUBUQUE, IA - Following a growing number of reports on the deteriorating mental health among doctors, the American Psychiatric Association decided to tackle the...
orthopedic surgeon orthopedics orthopaedics

Three-Sentence Discharge Summary For Six-Month Hospitalization

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ROME, GA - Doctors and hospital administrators are lauding what has been called a "breakthrough in succinctness," as a patient discharged after six months in...
paper airplane, paperwork

Stack of Paperwork Transforms into Fleet of Paper Planes

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CHICAGO, IL - Internist Jenny Richardson sat down at her clinic desk this morning to find an undesirable stack of paperwork (you know the...
necktie colonized tarantulas

Doctor’s Necktie Colonized with MRSA, Tarantulas, Ticks, Mosquitoes

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PORTLAND, ME - Internist Dr. Jeffrey Redd thinks it "unprofessional not to wear a tie" even despite the feedback from multiple patients, families, nurses,...
notes rounding

Surgeon General Finishes Rounding on 320 Million Americans, Dreads Writing Notes

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WASHINGTON, DC - Late last night a very visibly tired Surgeon General of the United States Vivek Murthy finally finished rounding on every American...