MARIO CIRCUIT, WII – Nearby trauma centers struggled to effectively administer life-saving treatment to the victims of a gruesome pileup on Rainbow Road. The accident resulted in several dead on the scene and many more in critical condition at local trauma centers. According to reports, a triad of strategically-placed banana peels just west of the Happy Lollipop Loop-de-Loop allegedly caused the pileup.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said local paramedic Samual Cadrion. “We couldn’t even recover all the bodies since some of the drivers went off the side of the road and into the bottomless space pit. Why a side-rail was never placed is beyond me.”
Lovable dinosaur Yoshi was declared dead on the scene. His medium-sized Dolphin Rider hit a banana peel and subsequently smashed into a red turtle shell, resulting in his ejection out of the vehicle. “It took us over 60 minutes to extricate his body from under King Koopa’s Piranha Prowler,” said Cardion. “It’s always the same thing, those red shells are deadly.”
To make matters worse, red mushrooms have been on back-order for month and the green are just too rare.
Of the eight survivors, seven remain in critical condition. Dr. Kelly Mallon, a trauma surgeon at Baptist Kooopa Troopa Memorial, explains, “This was a mass casualty by anyone’s definition. Baby Mario alone necessitated intubation, double chest tube placement, and multiple blood products just to keep him alive. Poor Diddy Kong is still in a coma after being comically flattened by another, much larger driver who had consumed a large local mushroom.”
Crash victim Luigi was the only survivor stable enough for interview. “Mama mia, that banana peel came out of ah-no-where!” exclaimed the bewildered Italian plumber.
Even more shocking, beloved prominent political figure Princess Peach is implicated in the banana-peel placement. “Tee-hee, I’m not saying another word without my legal representation,” explained the Princess, who appeared before a press conference with bottle-blonde curls, rosy apple checks, and a pink parasol. “These allegations are oh so silly, and my lawyers are going to have a field day with this.”
